Mandatory counseling session season began at Pitt this past week, with meetings ranging from incredibly useless (wisdom tooth levels of worthlessness) to mostly useless (Electoral College levels of worthlessness).
These meetings serve as a sort of nursing home visit with your ailing grandma; uncomfortable and drawn out. and even though they’re supposed to be wise, they know fuck all about how to become the next Don Draper.
“I get in there and put my phone in my backpack to like, be polite. But then Ol’ Dicky is just shuffling through papers and clicking rapidly on his two screen monitors,” said sophomore, Hannah Davis after meeting with her counselor, Richard Ganes. “40 seconds went by without him saying anything. That’s even longer than our initial meeting where he stared at the floor after I told him my name wasn’t Kaitlyn for the fifth time.”
Other Pitt students’ statements echo Davis’ commentary about the counselors. Junior Tara Summers claimed that her counselor, Mr. Ramos, “spent a minute and a half searching desperately for a pen only to realize he didn’t need one.”
“Seeing Ol’ Dicky twice a year is like accidentally running into my old high school math teacher at the CVS when I’m buying Plan B,” Summers continued.
It’s unclear as to why Ramos is also nicknamed Ol’ Dicky, considering his name is Joe.
Pitt counselors are already gearing up to forget names, sweat profusely, and make students generally uncomfortable again in January.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.