The University of Pittsburgh is a wonderful campus full of intelligent, thoughtful young people, going to grand, beautiful buildings to study and hang out. But some have all the maturity of a ten-year-old boy, and these people come to work for The Black Sheep, making this article very easy to write. So here is a list of buildings on Pitt’s campus, renamed by a 10-year-old mind.
You’re ten years old. You stumble upon an all-girls dorm. You have only heard rumors of places like this, but you never believed the stories. What else would you call this place? Man, preadolescent boys are kinda creepy. Close runners up were “Paradise” and “Cootie Cavern”.
Ok, so if heaven exists, odds tell us that Hell must not be too far away. And sure enough you don’t have to search hard to find it. Just look for that building everyone goes into with 50 lbs worth of textbooks and comes out of looking like a walker from the Walking Dead (every 10 year olds favorite show, right?). Also considered were “Prison” and “Cemetery”.
The Cathedral- Hogwarts:
You don’t have to be 10 to see the resemblance. Even the most mature among us are able to imagine ourselves in the black cloaks and red and gold scarves of a typical Hogwarts student (obviously everyone thinks they’re in Gryffindor) while rushing to our classes inside the most beautiful building this side of the Atlantic Ocean.
Chevron- Dexter’s Laboratory:
Ignoring the fact our hypothetical child wasn’t born when Dexter’s last episode aired, ask yourself: Do 10 year olds know the pain and horror of advanced upper level chemistry? Do they know the true extent of the suffering that has taken place in Chevron? No, they don’t. What they do know is that chemistry makes stuff explode, it can make poisons, and if you’re really convincing they might believe you can make a potion in there too.
Nordenberg- Buckingham Palace:
So after our hypothetical kid has visited all of the freshman dorms, he comes to Nordenberg, a sparkling bastion of new technology and novelty. So naturally, he wonders what these freshmen did to deserve such nice accommodations, just like many of us wonder what the royal family did to deserve their own dwelling.
Frick Fine Arts- The Shadowlands:
You know, like from the Lion King. This actually doesn’t have to do with Frick itself, but more so how far it is from campus. And it always seems to be kind of cold in there too. And the lecture halls are extremely dark… Maybe this is a more suitable nickname than we thought.
Clapp Hall, Langley, and Crawford- Area 51
Pitt is well known for their excellence in biology and health sciences, so there is money to spend in the bio department. With a quick tour of the bio buildings, you could imagine Pitt is housing some dark secrets in the bowels of Clapp. There’s a reason they keep those labs underground, hidden away from the civilians and presumably the government as well. And as we get deeper and deeper, we see something we shouldn’t have. We’ve gone too far. They’re not letting us leave now. If you’re reading this, send help.
If you can survive a tailgate, you can survive a zombie apocalypse.