Pitt’s worst-kept secret is the Mobile App Challenge, a heathenistic ritual where ultra-motivated computer science nerds all cosplay as Mark Zuckerberg and measure their dicks in terms of Android phone sizes. The University pumps its state-received funding into advertising the challenge, hoping that some prodigy will invent the next Flappy Bird and put Pitt on the map for 2 weeks. Eager for a chance to be a celebrity, and brainwashed by the constant advertisements, many undergrads are actually choosing to drop out of Pitt entirely to pursue the challenge.
“It was taking up all of my time anyway,” says Steve Gates, a former Computer Engineering student. “My grades were important and all, but the Pitt Mobile App Challenge is everything.” When asked how he would still be able to compete in the contest if he wasn’t a student, Gates chose not to answer, as he was too busy licking his phone screen seductively.
Other students who have put their entire futures on hold say that victory in the challenge their new ticket to success. The victor could win a prize of up to $4000, enough for a student to buy groceries at Market-to-Go for a month.
Elon Bezos, another dropout, says that he doesn’t regret abandoning the classroom to pursue his dreams.
“Mobile App Challenge is love, Mobile App Challenge is life,” Elon says. Donning a ceremonial robe with the hood up, Elon joins his fellow challenge competitors outside Sennott Square for a weekly brainstorming session around a pile of iPhones with the flashlights turned on. “All of us have adopted a pledge of poverty, chastity, and commitment to the virtues of the Mobile App Challenge. It pleases the Great One,” says Bezos, who would not specify who he was talking about.
When they’re not chanting around a fire, building a commune, and mysteriously breaking off relationships with their friends and families, Mobile App Challenge competitors like to discuss their ideas for new apps. They include a version of Tinder where you swipe right on pictures of chicken nuggets that look good and an Uber competitor where instead of cars, you get picked up by a Sodexo employee on a Segway.
“Once we develop the perfect app, the Great One promises that we will be rewarded,” says another competitor. “We are all geniuses in his eyes–brothers and sisters destined to create the greatest app that the world has ever seen.”
Those who wish to be saved by the good news of the Mobile App Challenge can look above any campus printer for further information.
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