If you’ve ever opened a newspaper (yeah, right), then you probably saw a review of some movie or album that you didn’t read and then used the paper to wrap a pot brownie. Well, those reviews are weak. The totally not drunk journalists of The Black Sheep present to you: the drunk review of Pitt, as per your request.
The best thing about going to Pitt is obviously the view of the world-famous Cathedral of Learning. It’s the second tallest academic building in the world after all – second behind some building in St. Petersburg built by those America-hating, freedom-killing, damn commies! How could Pitt lose to the commies? It’s a shame. But anyway, our great sister Cathy is a fixture not only of the University, but of the city itself. What other city can boast of a giant, penis-shaped building protruding from the middle of its college district? So every time you take a look at that phallic academic building, or if you’re deep inside that dick looking for some Chick-fil-a, say a prayer or something for how lucky you are.
Pitt’s also got some great science programs or something too. We’ve even heard, from inside sources, that UPMC is relevant, maybe. But the best thing about Pitt’s acclaimed science programs is that every neuroscience major you find will constantly humble brag about how difficult their major is, how they will one day be a doctor, and how every other major is nothing compared their major. These science majors are just the best people at Pitt, totally not annoying at all.
And let’s get to the real business of going to Pitt – Market. If you’ve ever taken a strong laxative then you probably understand the feeling of eating anything at Market. But since this is the drunk review, we can whole-heartedly suggest going to Market drunk. You might walk up to the pizza stand and put a whole pepperoni pizza on your plate, but it will be well worth it. When you’re drunk the quality of the food goes out the window – so Market, an all you can eat buffet of subpar and greasy food, is exactly what you’re looking for in an establishment.
Pitt also has an assortment of restaurants around campus that shuffle out greasy and cheap foods like an assembly line from drunk heaven (which we sincerely hope real heaven is like). If you’re tipsy off some keg beer from a dusty basement at a sketchy frat party and wondering up and down Forbes or Atwood looking for some cheap grease, you’re in luck. Pizza? We got it. Gyro? We got it. Burger? We got it. You’ll wake the next morning with a stomachache and a heart full of regret, but this drunk review totally recommends Pitt’s late night eateries.
Whatever reason you have for coming to Pitt in the first place – the academics, the neighborhood, the fact that it’s not Penn State – you’ll find so much more when you’re drunk. So get a little tipsy and reintroduce yourself to Pitt.
If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, this is for you: