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Election Day in Pittsburgh: A Recap

You’ve seen the commercials, you’ve heard the rhetoric, and you’ve secretly voted Democrat behind your parents’ back. That’s right loyal readers, yesterday was Election Day and with it came a lot of change. Every four years the Great Commonwealth of Pennsylvania gets the chance to elect a new governor and you could tell that many students were eager to exercise their right to vote.The Black Sheep took to the polling stations in order to talk to some young voters from our very own university.  

 

George J. Hamilton IV was the first student we stumbled upon. Dressed in a tailored suit and armed with a trust fund in his name, Hamilton was not shy about sharing his views. “My father told me that the Democrats want to steal all of our money by increasing taxes. This is absolutely sickening! My great-great-grandfather worked his fingers to the bone making his first fortune and it has been a tradition in my family to work just as hard. Why, just last week the 10A was running late and I had to walk up the hill all by myself. I’m voting Republican today because I don’t want some homeless mother of five getting the money I’m working so hard to inherit.” Before we could ask any more questions Hamilton realized his loafers were looking a little dull and ran off to find a shoeshine.

 

The next student we interviewed, junior Mike Pataki, had a lot of opinions about Election Day and, to be perfectly honest, a certain “herbal” essence to his odor. “Man, I came here to tell you that I’m not voting. It’s all bullshit. The rich people in this country are pulling the strings, man, like we don’t even have a say. Both candidates are paid by corporations and it gets even worse at the federal level. The whole system’s corrupt, man. Fuck that, I’m not voting. I’m not a sheep.” Pataki then spent the rest of the day making sheep noises at those walking into the voting booth. We’d like to imagine it was a publicity stunt in support of our fine group of satirists.

 

The Black Sheep spent the next few hours looking for more students to interview, but we turned up short. Upon asking those who passed by if they would mind answering a few questions about the election we were giving the following responses:

 

“There’s an election today?” “I forgot to register,” “I thought Obama was still the president for two more years,” and the most common response: “Fuck off.”

 

With the election of Tom Wolf, Pennsylvania has a lot of change ahead. Your parents are probably pissed, your grandparents are probably planning on moving to Canada (which totally makes sense), but you probably share the mindset of all of us The Black Sheep: not really giving a shit. Although, Tom Corbett did support selling booze at supermarkets… Damn, we should’ve voted.

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