Pathfinders are usually a prospective student’s first impression of our wonderful campus and all that we have to offer here in Oakland, but they tend to become more of a nuisance than a wonderful fountain of knowledge once a prospective panther becomes a student. Their tours are loud, slow, and it’s really hard to not scream bullshit at the parents and students. After PittStart, those striped rugbies become less of a sign of hope and more of a sign that you’re going to be late for class after getting stuck behind one of their groups.
There’s not much that they’d be useful for admitted students anyway, as we’ve already heard their lies and now are so bitter about the artful twisting of the truth that we probably wouldn’t listen. But, what happens when you don’t know how many floors are in the William Pitt Union? Or, what about when you have to give your family a campus tour but know nothing besides where to drink and pretend to study? That’s when we really need a Pathfinder, but they tend to travel in packs worse than sorority girls.
Never fear, from the compsci majors who brought you the Market Omelet Line Checker and the Pregame Planner 2.0 apps comes Pitt’s newest technological invention—Emergency Panthfinder! Need to know a quick answer to a bar trivia question about Cathy to impress that kind cute guy on your team? Ask away. Need to know why Frick Fine Arts is called Frick Fine Arts? You’re one step closer to finding out the secret behind the name. Need tips on where to take your family so that they’ll think you’re a well-adjusted college student? Just follow the walking path set by the app, which will then prompt you with fun facts about each of the landmarks. Not only will you sound smart, but you might even get better at walking backwards.
The Emergency Pathfinder app also allows you to play a game called “A Day in the Life,” which is similar to that app Kim K released last year, but so much cooler. In the app you will do all the usual fun pathfinder activities, like learning to walk backwards and excessive drinking. Earn your stripes all the way throughout the game to earn the elusive polo. It’s all the fun of being a real pathfinder, only you don’t have to wake up at the crack of dawn, and you don’t get paid.
Emergency Pathfinder—coming to an app store near you.