One thing you learn quickly at The Black Sheep is that when we’re not looking for a little cheap publicity, we spend our time trying to humiliate our writers. This weekend we had the opportunity to do both when we signed up freshman writer and all around nice guy, Joe Weidman up for a chicken wing eating contest. Decked out in our official t-shirt and filled with fear, Joe entered the contest to win glory, honor, and a belly full of wings motivated by nothing more than the risk of getting fired.
We got the chance to talk to Joe before the contest and talk to him about his strategy. “I did about three minutes of research on how to win, so I’ll do pretty well. I also only ate like a little bit today so I’m friggin hungry! My strategy was initial to just swallow the things whole and worry about the bones later, but my mom said that wouldn’t fly, so now I’m just going to rip all the meat off in one bite and just keep chewing.” Armed with this air tight strategy, Joe put on his headband and became his competitive eating persona “Saucy Beard.”
The structure of the contest was a bit like college football in the bowl series era, in that no true clear winner was established. There were multiple rounds and the contestants of each round were picked using alphabetical order by their first name (super legit). Each round had a top three and that was it. No elite round, no playoff, no grand champion. While the average sports fan would find this system unfair and infuriating, the actual contestants, who had to eat 20 wings as fast as possible, were grateful when their round came to an end.
Not discouraged by the lack of glory or the frat bro who bragged for four rounds about how he was “totally gonna win this thing because he does this stuff all the time,” Saucy Beard stepped up to the stage. The starting bell had barely sounded before he ripped into his first wing. It wasn’t long before sauce was dripping from his chin. “The sauce was definitely a factor. You want to wipe it, but that just slows you down. You need to keep on trucking. You might also get distracted as you feel the grease clog your arteries, but you can delay the heart attack if you use ninja focus.”
Fried chicken flesh hung from Saucy Beard’s lips as he devoured wing after wing. In just three minutes and eleven seconds all 20 wings had been wolfed down. Although this averaged out to one wing every 9.55 seconds, Saucy Beard only managed to get third place, though it should be noted that his technique was flawless.
Fortunately for Joe, The Black Sheep excused this bronze medal performance because he did beat that frat star who claimed to be a pro. Covered in sauce and stray chicken bits Joe had just one thing to say “I think I’m gonna puke!”
We’re extremely proud of our Joe, he put up a good fight, beat his rival, and made us laugh our asses off, but what does the future hold for Saucy Beard? “I think I’m going to take some Tums and go to bed. I don’t want to look at food for another month,” he replied. Wise words from a (runner up to the runner up) champion. Hopefully this is merely the first chapter in the legend of Saucy Beard.