Nothing’s worse for horny Pitt students than the start of fall. The frantic hook-up energy of first week ends, the shorts that cannot accurately be categorized into “clothing” are put away, and the Schenley Plaza frisbee players are gettin’ dressed.
At the first hint of frost on the grass, the hotties are putting away their frisbees and their sweet, sweet abs until April at the earliest.
“Who am I going to creepily ogle while I shove down Waffallonia?” asked sophomore Sarah Thompson. “The men’s cross country team? Hell no.”
Most female students report a preference for fantasizing over the glistening male bodies which dot Schenley over the terrifying male runners.
“I see those guys and I just scream. Why are they going so fast on the most crowded sidewalk in Pittsburgh? Why are their shorts so tiny? Why do I get the sense they’ve murdered someone after a drunken night and buried the body behind Sutherland?” asked Thompson.
The frisbee players, notorious for their “chill vibes,” are not upset by the changing seasons. Veteran player Danny Wilson says he looks forward to growing out his white-people dreadlocks, drinking kombucha, and meditating as the snow falls on Schenley Plaza.
Unfortunately, he’ll be doing all of that with a shirt on, so Pitt women will ignore his presence until the sun shines once again.
When asked if he feels objectified by people drooling over his rock-hard abs, Wilson said, “No! It’s a total complement. I don’t know why the women’s cross country team complains about street harassment so frequently. It’s just people smiling at you! That’s what street harassment is, right?”
Sweet, sweet Danny. Shut that stupid little mouth and keep playin’ frisbee.
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.