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Gossip Squirrel: An Open Letter To Open Letters


Hello Panthers, I’m sure you’ve missed me.


I’ve been dormant most of this semester, because Pittsburgh still hasn’t decided on a consistent temperature to hold onto for more than a few weeks. But no worries, because I’m back, and we need to talk.


If I see one more “open letter” from that magazine, what is it? The Iliad? I will literally go nuts. I don’t even care anymore, I’ll throw my nuts everywhere! It’s springtime anyway, I don’t even need the nut stockpile. These letters just seem like lazy writing, and that’s coming from a squirrel who has to spend days etching out articles in a tree and hope someone on campus will find it and publish it. You guys have hands! And these fancy looking light up machine things? That must make things easier, right?


As I roam around campus all I ever hear people talk about is stressing over getting this internship or that job after graduation…and from my understanding you’re most likely just doing this for a resume booster, but guess what? I’m a smart little squirrel and I’m pretty sure when your future employer looks you up and realizes your writing credits are just 50 variations of “An Open Letter to the Boy who Broke my Heart but what I really Miss is Your Gramma’s Cookies,” they’re not going to be impressed. I haven’t even seen one article about nuts, what’s the deal? There’s this other site…something with Greeks…Totally Fraternal Men? Frat Jumping? Complete Greek Maneuver? Something like that…they’re always talking about smashing each other’s nuts, now that’s what I’m talkin’ bout.


Anyways, I demand you kiddos have some respect for yourself, and that’s coming from a little squirrel like me who writes under the name of Gossip Squirrel. I write material that I am proud of, and you should too. Please don’t tell me you wake up every morning and say, “hmmm, what part of my past am I going to passive aggressively live in today?” If you do, wake up and smell the Oakland Sewage. It’s time to move on. 


These open letters are the equivalent of posting a journal entry online, and guess what? The point of an open letter is TO BE VAGUE AND GENERAL not super specific to the point of being definitely about that one friend who stole your boyfriend in middle school. Just like this one.


Now, I’m not saying that I’m perfect. Every squirrel makes mistakes, but the key is to wake up and move on from them. Take pride in your writing abilities, or don’t write at all. Or, better yet, write it in your diary, or just on a tree like me. It can be incredibly therapeutic.


Those damn open letters are a plague upon this earth. It started out an okay idea, like bringing in a predatory species to help thin down another predatory species, but the next thing you know, Florida’s entire ecosystem is destroyed. 


Take my advice, one squirrel to another. Let’s end the semester on a positive note, and agree that we will not write any more open letters. I’m sorry that I had to appeal to you on such a basic and demeaning level, but desperate times call for desperate measures.


Until next time my Panthers,


XOXO Gossip Squirrel


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