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How to Graduate Pitt With Style

 

Ah, the year is almost over and shit’s getting wild. The sun is out, the birds are singing, five-hour energy has gotten a spike in its sales, finals are killing everybody, and some of us college students are getting ready to graduate and become real adults or something. We know all of you are busy writing your 20 page papers and making your hour-long presentations, getting ready to take your final that accounts for 75% of your grade, and hoping that you get a curve so insane you might actually pass the class, but we figure that in your spare time, we’re here with some tips on how to make everyone remember your graduation.

 

Fireworks:

In this day and age, we need more fireworks. They are a shining example of what it means to be free and have the ability to blow shit up in the sky. You can hide these in your cap and/or gown and once you go up to grab your shiny new diploma, let them rip and hope it doesn’t hit anyone. For bonus points on your final art class grade, blow them up in a cool pattern in the shape of a panther. Everyone will love you….or be afraid and call in a terrorist threat to the police.

 

Obscenities:

Curse words are just so much fun. Yet, at any official event, we’re not allowed to use them because of a stupid word called decorum. Well, if you really want to make a mark and start a revolution, tell Gallagher to “f**k off” whenever you see him. Make sure you jack the mic too, because you know you gotta let everyone hear it, especially the small children and grandparents who came to see you.

 

Don’t Show Up:

You paid many many thousands of dollars to go here and get a degree after learning a lot of bullshit and some stuff you actually care about. Then you bought a cap and gown and paid to be in the graduation ceremony. So, why not give everyone that has ever existed a big shocker and don’t even show up. Go off and get one last Sorrento’s or Antoon’s pizza before you turn into something they’re afraid of: actual human beings. Your name will be called and everyone will stand around awkwardly for a good thirty seconds to a minute wondering where in the world is Carmen San Diego, or whatever your name is. And you’ll forever go down in history as the person who totally dropped the ball.

 

Decorate Your Cap:

You all have seen those cool-ass caps that people arted all over and made into pop culture beacons or squares of poetic expression. So why don’t you do the same? What does everyone like? Pizza. So, here’s our idea: Buy a pizza, and wear it on your head instead of your grad cap. It’s the ultimate form of decoration and you know for a fact that someone will consider it art and might just give you a million dollars for it. It truly is a symbol of our times, a college degree is controlled by bread, sauce, and cheese. Or maybe we just don’t know how to interpret it as well as people with art degrees!

 

Just Graduate Normally:

In all seriousness, graduating is sweet as hell, so you really don’t need to do shit to make it special for you and everyone you know. Just show up, take a few pictures with your family and friends, and rejoice that you got to spend some years at one of the best places on Earth. Sorrento’s. We take sides.

 

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