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House Hunters: H2P Edition

Many Pitt students are faced with a dilemma this time of year. No, they know where to study, where to party, where the 10A is at all times, how cold it is, and the exact number of days until spring break, but what many are still deciding, is where to live next year. This is a comprehensive guide to the best plots of real estate on campus. Whether you want to sit and rot alone in Lothrop or Tower C or be inebriated 24/7 in Bouquet Gardens, this article is here to help make your housing dreams come true.


The first thing on everyone’s list is applying to be an RA. Who wouldn’t want to fight it out over five rounds of elimination, heartbreak, interviews, mixers, voting off the island, then finally training for the job? Not to mention being an RA is such a rewarding job. Resident Assistants get a single room to feel alone in, a fresh bunch of rowdy first year partiers to babysit, and a meager paycheck. Never knew how to deal with people fornicating in a shower? Don’t worry! The RA training teaches you how to handle everything from intoxicated freshmen to freshmen who’ve had too much alcohol. With this worldly job not only do you sulk alone in your single room, but you earn OCC out the wazoo. Good luck on all those 5 p.m. to 4 a.m. patrols you newfound resident leaders!


If, somehow, you do not have higher than a 2.5 GPA (required for being an RA) and are cut in any of the five soul splitting elimination rounds, the next step is filling out Pitt’s housing contract. Don’t worry, this contract is simple and easy, only requiring five hours to read over and understand every liability, contract, and button to push online. Also don’t worry if you have a terrible lottery number, you proved yourself worthy of moving through impossible website mazes similar to Obamacare’s online application site just to find it. Trying to room with friends on campus? Get ready, because you have the most counter-intuitive, random ID number-filled time ahead of you. In truth, half of getting a degree at Pitt is simply understanding the housing contract.


While filling out this wonderful online document, a dormitory of choice must be selected to live in next year. A wide range of possibilities are in front of all Pitt students at this point. You could choose Panther or PA Hall, the scenic destinations atop Mt. Cardiac Hill. You’ll be so far away from main campus, WVU will think you’re their student. Lothrop Hall features really empty floors and residents who barely ever talk to you, along with reportedly spooky, dimly lit hallways.


A Tower C single is also a great option for people who either bring people home from parties every night, or those who don’t party or talk to anyone at all. Another option, although extremely hard to get into (lottery numbers 1-5 may get this) is Bouquet Gardens Apartments. If one can unseat the alcohol loving, high room and board paying, party loving retainers of these coveted residences, they are in for a world of sheer joy. But what if all of these residences are unappealing or full?


Well then the last resort is to sell your soul to the slum lords of South Oakland of course. Everyone enjoys having an apartment with the exact same floor plan as their neighbor, terrible plumbing, barely any central air, and floorboards that make walking above ground similar to a game of roulette. It is cheap though, and nobody can argue with a better bottom line. Whatever your choice may be, the deadline is fast approaching, so find your ramen-eating abode soon, and begin Hailing to Pitt within. 

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