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The Judgmental Map of Phoenixville, PA

Phoenixville is awesome if you love to brag about super old movies, super bad movies, retired athletes, or morning sports reporters. Heavy in pizza places and charm (or whatever the nice word for old shit is), you’d like to say it’s unlike any other town but it’s not special and neither are you. If you’ve lived in here for the past 15 years or more, you’ve seen it change quite a bit. No matter how hard you’ve tried to get out, you still know it all too well.

For some reason people in Kimberton feel the need to distinguish themselves from the rest of town. So you’ve got the original Whole Foods and you’re closest to the only liquor store in town, whatever, you’re not better than us. You’re known to people from Spring City and Chester Springs as the place with the Kimberton Fair and that’s just cows and carneys.

Many of the run-down places we visited as kids have closed, and it was absolutely for the better. Growing up, Bridge Street was just something you had to drive down sometimes. But now you choose to go to Bridge Street for fun. And some people are even choosing to live on Bridge Street in fancy, brand new apartments. What a time.

The North Side:
It’s always framed as a “bad part of town” despite being perfectly normal. There are about 2 boarded-up buildings and about 500 normal ones. The North Side is really only separated from downtown by one dramatic bridge over no body of water and a road we call a bridge, and it’s fully accessible by any other part of town.

“Valley Forge”:
We live near Valley Forge, not in it. It just happens to be a housing-dense part of town, so we know one of the 5 or so housing developments you probably live in if you claim to be from “Valley Forge.” You can keep fooling yourself, but you’re not fooling us.

The Rest:
Many things have changed in the middle of town. One Wawa opens, another Wawa closes. A KFC got eaten by it’s fraternal twin (but out of the womb which is creepy). The mold-filled elementary and middle schools that we blame for our low-achievement are gone and less validating. Speed limits have changed and you’re unsure how to handle people who just drive through town and clog up the streets. 

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