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Oakcino Man

Frigid, frosty, and freezing. Somehow these words still fall short of describing the weather Pitt has been facing in the last week. In case you were too cold to calculate, the average temperature has been at best -30o and at worst absolute zero. While this fact alone is a scientific anomaly, students of Pitt’s archeology department were astounded by what they found early Monday morning. During a typical expedition through South Oakland, they stumbled upon a creature completely frozen in ice. Luckily, The Black Sheep was the first news organization on the scene and was granted exclusive access to this groundbreaking discovery.


“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” recalled Marcia DeAngelo, a sophomore archeology student who first spotted the block of ice. “This was just a routine field excursion. We were expecting to only find a few fossilized pizza boxes or rusty beer cans, but under a foot and a half of street trash we unearthed the find of a decade! What was initially surprising was that the specimen was frozen in what appeared to be Keystone Ice, pretty ironic if you ask me. As a joke, we named the creature Keith Stone. It didn’t take us long to remove Keith from his icy tomb and we melted down the beer and drank it. Shockingly, still better than Natty Light,” reported DeAngelo. “I’m really hoping that this discovery will bring some interest to the archeology department, since it basically consists of me and like three other students.”


“A find like this is one in a million,” remarked Tim Berger, the graduate student in charge of the group. “We believe Keith to be a member of the species Freshminius naïvae. Though this organism was common to the area, this in no way shrinks the magnitude of the discovery,” he explained. Berger, who actually specializes in animals of Keith’s type, was able to share some insight as to what the creature was like while it was living.


Berger explained that “Freshminius naïvae was found primarily in the center of campus and dwelled in large, tower-like housing structures. Two subspecies of Freshminius naïvae lived on upper campus, but they were either extremely athletic or hyper intelligent. Both of them were egotistic in their own right. As a whole, the group subsisted on a diet of crappy pizza and Chipotle. This little guy loved to complain about things that weren’t that big of a deal and generally annoyed the other organisms that roamed the area. While intelligent enough to have a culture, this genus was prone to extreme levels of stress due to what it believed to be ‘the hardest semester of its life.’ Overall their mindset was a simple one: ‘turn down for what?’ It is believed that some ancestors of Freshminius naïvae still exist on campus.”


The archeology team is hoping to compile their findings on Freshminius naïvae and publish a paper on their discovery. University administration has shown interest in the investigation and has decided to allocate more funding to the archeology department by increasing tuition by another ten percent. Chancellor Gallagher, still facing backlash from a recent interview, was unable to be reached for comment. In the meantime, Keith Stone can be viewed at the Carnegie-Mellon Museum of Natural History.

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