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Oakland Astrology: What Your Street Says About You

Some use horoscopes, some get palm readers, some go on ancestry.com and look for where they come from, but the only true way to know yourself is to take a long dark look at the street you live on.

Why is this an indication of the person you are? It’s because some streets are quaint and tree-lined while others look like every street on WVU’s campus: covered in trash, food remnants, and various bodily fluids. To make it easy on you, The Black Sheep has been kind enough to provide a detailed analysis of your personality according to the street you live on.

Bouquet
“Fear of real life” and “money to blow” describe these residents. They live in South Oakland, but lack the courage to deal with landlords so they hide out in Pitt’s student apartments. Little do they know they are blowing their parents’ money on dumb stuff like sturdy foundations and reliable heatinstead of necessities like beer, pizza, and more beer.

Oakland
“Work hard and play harder” is the motto of these free spirits. Whether it’s 20 below or 90 degree heat, these cool cats are on their porches with an IC Light, snapchatting away their Friday afternoon.

Atwood
Much like this street’s monuments of shame, Antoon’s and Sorrento’s, you have an appetite for the cheap and reckless. Your position close to the liquor store and Starbucks speaks to your intense hangovers and the need for a baptism in espresso. “Fuck Penn State” chants erupt on the hour.

Meyran
Choose a building, select an apartment, find their closet, and we guarantee you will find a life sized cutout of Sophia Vergara licking a popsicle. Ok, maybe that’s only one apartment, but our boner is still very confused.

Semple
You know those kids who never say a word in class until one day they raise their hands and your expecting some sort of intellectual proclamation based on all the information they have listen to in the class, but instead they shriek out like a Atwood girl who broke her third heel this week? Yeah, imagine an entire street of these kids. At least they’re close to Mellinger’s.

McKee
See Meyran, only this time it’s your mom licking the popsicle.

Ward
Located next to the highway (so you know it’s safe), when someone says they lost their ID in a disgusting bathroom somewhere in South Oakland chances are it was on Meyran, but they definitely woke up on an inflatable mattress on Ward Street with a toy sword in their belt.

Bates
Beautiful, organic, good ol’ fashion fun! These residents live the life of kings and queens. They have Mad Mex on the corner, an Italian market for their fresh produce needs, and Bootleggers around the corner for their debauchery. These residents know they’re on top even if they live down the Hill.

South O2

Deep South O
Imagine, you’re chilling in Dante’s Inferno with an awful ratio of random old men and you’re about to enter the first ring. Well that entrance is Boulevard of the Allies and across it are the rest of the rings, a Mad Max wasteland of shattered bottles and dreams.

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