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Open Letter from an Incoming Pitt Freshman



For those of you who don’t know me, you will soon. The name’s Freddy, but all my friends call me “Blackout.” I earned that nickname the hard way back in high school, pounding strawberitas and mackin’ on the girls’ varsity lacrosse team. But now I’m here at UPitt, and it’s time to turn the fuck up. I’m sending this out just so all you bitches know who’s gonna be running campus for the next few years.


I hope you’re ready, Oakland, because me and my boys are about to take this campus by storm. I have the dopest crew, you don’t even know. I met them all at PittStart, so you know we’ll be tight for the rest of college. We went out squad deep the other night looking for thots. We didn’t find any, probably because we rolled too deep. When you have twenty other guys at your back, you KNOW nobody’s gonna start shit. I was looking fresh, too. Orientation 2014 t-shirt, cargoes, and a lanyard on my neck. I’m almost glad we didn’t run into any girls, I would’ve been drowning in sloots. Too many even for me to handle.


So now that I’m at UPitt, you better believe that I rep that shit every day. I bleed blue and gold, #Panthers4Life! I’ve haven’t been to a game yet, but I spent like three hours the other day looking for the “zoo” that everyone keeps talking about. But it doesn’t matter, I still rock UPitt gear 24/7. People are like “Do you go to Pitt? I need some directions.” I’m like, bro, check out the all the gear I’m rocking, of course I go to UPitt. But can’t help with those directions. Besides, I’m basically blacked out all day every day, so I’m definitely the wrong guy to ask for directions.


I’m so stoked to get out from under my ‘rents. They were really cramping my style, being all like “you can’t get drunk on Wednesday nights.” Um, sorry not sorry, I guess I go too hard. That’s why nothing beats living on my own. I totally pimped out my crib, posters of Bob Marley, Kate Upton, and that guy in the College sweatshirt are all over my room. The perfect place to bring back all the babes I’m gonna get with. And Market Central? I could literally never get tired of the food they have there. Gonna be down there on the reg.


Can I just take a second to talk about lanyards? Everyone says they’re totally for freshmen, but I know I’m changing the look. By the time I’m done at UPitt everyone who’s anyone is gonna rock a lanyard. So convenient. It’s like, right there. I never have to worry about my card or anything. That’s good for me, because I’m about to black out all the time. Turnt Tuesdays in my boy’s dorm room with fifteen guys and two girls? You better believe I’m there. My RA was bugging us the other day, reminding me not to lose my ID. I was like, nah bro I’m gucci, got my lanny right here on my neck. #swag


When I finally sober up I might even go to a few classes. Not sure what I want to major in just yet.  I’m leaning towards business. I could definitely see me being the Wolf of Wall Street in a few years. Probably teach Jordan Belfort a few things. Either that or I’m doing pre-med. I mean, I got straight A’s in high school, so I’m sure Bio and O-Chem can’t be that hard.


So that’s what I’m up to now. Just putting the rest of UPitt on notice because things are gonna get rowdy while I’m here. I’m already planning on staying a fifth year, Van Wilder’s gonna have nothing on me. If you want to find me, I’ll be wherever the party’s at.



Freddy Blackout



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