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Pitt Senior Finds Dream Career at Career Fair, Loses Motivation


In the wake of last week’s Career Fair for humanities, social science and business majors, early reports have indicated that at least one Senior – Brenda O’Sullivan, age 22 – has officially found the career of her dreams and will be phoning in the remainder of her senior year.


O’Sullivan, an English Literature and Economics double major, secured a career in fundraising for a major non-profit in Washington, DC at last week’s career fair. She has indicated this is indeed the career of her dreams.


She claims she’s never been happier. Now she doesn’t need to do her school work anymore.


“I went to Career Services for 6 hours a day for a month leading up to the Career Fair,” reports O’Sullivan, who agreed to do an interview with The Black Sheep on the condition that we bring her a bag of Cheetos Puffs and a box of wine. She never turned off Netflix during the interview.


It seems Brenda’s preparation has paid off as she prepares for the seven-month endeavor of finishing her degree at Pitt.


O’Sullivan has missed every lecture and two quizzes since securing her future career. “I just don’t see the point in trying to keep my grades up, as long as I get my degree I’m fine. So I’m pulling for some C’s in these next two semesters,” she indicated with her mouth full of snack food, and a large collection of crumbs on her baggy sweatpants. Even in a surprisingly uncharacteristic move for her, Brenda, for an assignment in a physics class, turned in only a photograph of Usain Bolt crying, with a caption that read, “When you’re faster than the speed of light you live in darkness.”


Indeed O’Sullivan has become the envy of her classmates who, despite their best efforts in pulling together résumés, finding appropriate business attire and waking up before 10 in the morning, did not find dream careers – or any careers – at last week’s Career Fair.


One of Brenda’s roommates, Janice Lee, had this to say, “She sleeps in until noon every day. She’s constantly eating Cheetos or popcorn. She’s watched literally every romantic comedy on Netflix. And she hasn’t changed out of those grey sweats in 4 days! I’ve never been so jealous of another human being. She’s got seven months of minimal effort until she moves away to DC and starts working for a hotshot charity.” Janice’s hands remained firmly in fists throughout her statement.


It is worthy of note that Brenda’s future employer has required her to finish her degree in time in order for her to take the job. This task grows increasingly difficult as Brenda’s will to succeed in school grows ever weaker.


Pitt’s Career Services has issued a statement that they in no way intended that students start slacking off if successful at the Career Fair. But in typical fashion, Career Services has been ignored.


Brenda O’Sullivan blissfully awaits graduation and her dream career. But for now, she’s happy to be living the slacker lifestyle.




Is there actual crack in Pumpkin Spice Lattes? Or is it something else?

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