They did it! They beat Penn State! Or should we say, we beat Penn State? Nah, we didn’t do shit, it was all the team. But we all can think we helped out. Penn State, on the other hand, must be feeling many kinds of butthurt at this moment, having watched their glory go down the drain in the blink of an eye. Word on the street is, so many Penn State students are petitioning to have their schools switched in the middle of the semester that Penn State leadership is pissing themselves in fear. Why would anyone want to go to school that is worse in every way, and now that we’ve seen them lose to Pitt, even worse in the football department? They wouldn’t, and here are the groups we’ve found want to switch to Glorious Pitt.
6.) The Football Players:
This one is a no-brainer. They lost to a much better group of players and now they wane “Be Like Pitt” and actually play the game well. Pitt’s football team has commented and said, “Why would we want to take those loser when all of us are winners!” They then stuck their tongues out at all the Penn State players. Their team wept like wee babies.
5.) The Film Majors:
All those film majors want to make a movie. And are movies made about little sissy losers? No! Movies are made about winners, underdogs, and badasses, not wee babies. So of course, the film majors are switching over to Pitt so they can start their collaborative project, Remember the Panthers.
4.) The Nerds:
You think nerds give a shit about sports? Nah, it’s just that Pitt’s nerds are better in every way. I mean, hell we have a Quidditch team that is third in the country, on their way to first! How is that not a crowning achievement in nerd-land? Does Penn State have a Quidditch team? We didn’t do enough research to find out, but who cares, if they do, they’re not as good as ours!
3.) The Partiers:
Did any of you see the Southside after we won? That place looked like the drunk end of the world was happening. You had every bar packed full of college students and their parents, grandparents, nieces, nephews, priests, rabbis, dogs, and cats in their getting hammered in the glorious name of Pitt. What about Penn State? They got drunk to forget about their sad loss! Just kidding, they got drunk with the Pitt students to celebrate Pitt’s victory because watching such a train-wreck happen before their very eyes made them realize they were rooting for the wrong team the entire time.
2.) The People Who Don’t Give a Damn About Sports:
Something you might find interesting is that many people actually don’t care about sports. Who would’ve thunk? Whenever we got a homerun yesterday, they didn’t cheer. Whenever that guy on the other team got a red card, they didn’t boo him off the field. And whenever we got a hole-in-one-double-whammy-slam-dunk-king-me-full-house, they didn’t jump out of their seats with pride, they just don’t want to go to Penn State anymore. They just kinda see this as an opportunity to switch over without looking weird to everyone else. P.S. We don’t know anything about football.
1.) The Teachers:
Who the hell wants to teach such losers? Not the teachers, that’s for sure. With all of Pitt’s classes seemingly overcrowded at times, getting such a huge wave of new teachers will be beneficial to us in that we’ll have more class choices, less people in our classes, and Penn State kids will become really dumb with no teachers! It’s a genius plan.
As this new wave of students from Penn State comes in, don’t forget to keep decorum and remain humble. We are the Panthers, not the Savages. We won the game for Harambe as many in the crowd pointed out, so don’t let him down with petty insults and making fun of Penn State, their students, teachers, and ex-students and teachers. Just kidding, rip them the biggest new one you can and never forget to H2P.
For those about to rush, we salute you: