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How to Perform a Pagan Ritual to Bring Qdoba Back From the Dead

We’ve been wearing all black. We’re wearing eyeliner like we just stepped out of a My Chemical Romance song. As we shuffle down Forbes Avenue, we are reminded by the dim lights and whiteboard sign in the window that our beloved Qdoba is no more, to be replaced with some weird Crave-A-Bullshit that no one’s ever heard of.  In our mourning, we went out on a limb–we dabbled into the occult. We already look the part anyway. Thankfully for the rest of you, we fumbled our way through all the angry spirits and occasional demons to perfect a ritual to contact Qdoba and bring it back from the Void. But first, we need to gather some things.


Get some kind of candle.  We don’t have any of those fancy black pillar candles, so we opted for a generic Bath & Body Works candle. If you’re in a dorm and gathering supplies, remember that one singular candle can burn down the entire dorm, so make sure to hide it from your RA in your laundry, or face the wrath of Gallagator.  

These rituals always contain crystals or some bullshit, but we don’t have that kind of cash. We opted for the closest to spiritual woo-woo that we could get–a salt lamp. It’s doing double duty too, you’re also contacting all that sodium.

Grab an empty Jarritos’ bottle from your last venture down Atwood.  With the absence of Qdoba, you’ll be eating a lot of Las Palmas tacos because you’d never be caught DEAD in Chipotle.

Gather EXACTLY six dollars, in memory of $6 burritos on Wednesdays. We’re using quarters because we picked these off the street.

Cheese. Because the only reason we’re mourning is queso.

Lastly, you’ll need to father some antacids. It’s time to face it, we’re willing to pay the price of heartburn for mediocre Mexican food. But now that we have our essentials, we can move on to the ritual.

The Ritual:

Arrange that shit in some sort of pentagram shape, because that’s what witches do right? Try and contact Kevin Stallings, aka the Devil? Oh well.

Grab some paper and scrawl the fateful words “FUCK CHIPOTLE” across it.  Bonus points if it’s your class notes.



If you couldn’t tell, this is our favorite part.  Just let this shit burn.

Good.  Try and let the ashes cool for a minute, unless you’re some kind of masochist, in that case go forth and burn the shit out of your hands.

Shove the cheese, antacids, and ashes into your Jarritos bottle. Why? We don’t know. We’re just making this up as we go along.  When you’re done, honor the memory of Qdoba by throwing the bottle in the space between the Qdoba and Bruegger’s, where that one dude fell. A true icon. You’ll know if it’s worked because you’ll be surrounded by the smell of sweet, sweet queso.  The spirits say if enough people complete this ritual, the next full moon will restore Qdoba to its former glory and drag Chipotle to hell.

Then chug an energy drink and get back to the work you’ve been procrastinating by performing this ritual.

Blessed Be, Sheeple.

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