Conspiracy theories. To many they are wild and outrageous statements that have no scientific backing. To a few they are the very fabric that holds their life together. To The Black Sheep they are just down right hilarious, so without further ado here are the best conspiracy theories about Pitt.
Cathy is a Satanic Temple
While most Pitt students would deem this statement blasphemy, there are some who think that our beloved Cathedral is home to black masses. Maybe it’s the gothic architecture, maybe it’s the shitty elevators, maybe it’s the fact that she has 666 windows (citation needed), but we all must admit that during an all-nighter Cathy can start looking a little creepy. Was that chanting that we just heard?
Ah yes, the Illuminati. Ever since that documentary The DaVinci Code came out the world has been suspicious that this group has been pulling strings all over the world. At Pitt we are blessed by our own version of this group called the Druids. Some say they merely hand out candy on random nights. Others say that they control everything that happens on campus. No one knows who the current members are, but a few years ago it was discovered that they had more power than we had previously thought.
The Pete is an Alien Spaceship
Think about it. A giant circular shape. Plenty of seats. Workout facilities. A Burger King! The signs are right in front of us. Time to wake up Sheeple! The next time you watch a mediocre Pitt basketball game could be your last time on Earth! Though, this would make an interesting spiritual sequel to Space Jam…
The Steelers Put a Voodoo Curse on Heinz Field
This is the only way to rationally explain why Pitt football has been so bad in the last decade and a half. Rumor has it that Rooney family (who own the Steelers) sacrificed a goat and a Primanti’s sandwich to an ancient voodoo god. In return the voodoo god transfers the football talent that Pitt should have to the Steelers. Unfortunately, the voodoo god is a Ravens fan, so we always screws the Steelers in the playoffs.
Salk’s Polio Vaccine was a Failed Super Soldier Serum
The polio vaccine is known today as a medical miracle, but what if we told you it was just a government cover up. We were in the middle of the Cold War. Do you think the US would have wasted money on curing some silly little disease? Of course not, Dr. Salk was a government agent placed at our inconspicuous university in order to develop a serum to turn GI’s into fighting machines. When the project was scrapped the government allowed the CIA to release the polio vaccine, which they had developed decades ago. What other vaccines is the government withholding from us? We may never know.
Chancellor Gallagher is a Lizard Person
This one is probably the most well known of the Pitt conspiracy theories, but isn’t it obvious people? That awkward smile, those shifty eyes, the heat lamp in his office. Believe it or not, Pitt has had a lizard chancellor ever since 1945 when Rufus H. Fitzgerald took over the position. Should have been evident then, what human names their child Rufus? So the next time you see the Gallagator (his lizard name) maybe pass him a handful of crickets or help him peel that last patch of shedding skin off.