Well Panthers, fall is officially upon us, which can be documented by the smell of artificial pumpkin coffee flavoring in the air and the sound of stomping Timbs. With fall, we all know what that means for most of us: cuffing season. For anyone that had some of their own summer lovin’ *cue Danny and Sandy* and never got to settle down with that special someone, have no fear, for cuffing season is here! Here is The Black Sheep‘s collection of tips to make sure you fully understand what this season entails. May the cuffing odds be ever in your favor, Panthers.
What it is: A time of year (usually from October to mid-December) when the wonderfully thirsty (and not for water) students roam around Oakland secretly (or not so secretly) taking their desperation to Yik Yak through “all I want is a boy to eat with and tell me I’m pretty” yaks and staring at anything of the opposite sex that walks by them in Hillman. Simply put, it’s a period of an overwhelming amount of single people not wanting to be single anymore, and the fall/winter months are seen as a more acceptable time to feel that way. PSA: real-life handcuffs are not expected to be invoked (unless you’re into that @Christian Grey).
What it entails: Is that boy you kissed that one time in the Tower A stairwell texting you too much, and not just when he’s drunk on the weekends? Is the wanna-be frat star in your Psych lecture leaning onto your desk a little too much? Is your unusually cute Starbucks barista wearing a little too much Polo cologne and writing hearts on your pumpkin spice latte cups? These are tell-tale signs of someone who only has ‘Cuffing Season’ on the brain, and is their way of showing that you are the one they want to cuff.
Who to cuff: Look for someone that has the same signs you do: a greater amount of Taylor Swift lyric tweets, a tab open at Market-To-Go for Ben and Jerry’s ice cream pints (especially the Phish Food flavor), or even a change in their Netflix pattern (think going from House of Cards to endlessly looping The Last Song). The more signs a person has, the easier it will be to cuff them.
What you can do: If you want to cuff someone or be cuffed, just send a mass text to every single number you’ve ever drunk texted or booty called. We guarantee that someone is bound to answer and go along with your cuffing schemes. Pro tip: channel your inner Cinderella and wait until midnight, where every potential cuffer is made more vulnerable due to the influx of alcohol in their system.
How to feel about it: If having someone to eat drunk Sorrento’s with while/after/during sex every weekend is something you aspire to have, then by all means feel free to give into the season of cuffing. Who knows, maybe your ‘Prince Cuffing’ will turn into a happily ever after *cue the Heinz Chapel bells*.