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Pitt Pulls A Fast One, Slaps Up Pictures Of Grocery Store Instead Of Building One

Last week, the signage of the former 7-Eleven on Forbes Ave. (R.I.P. in peace) finally came down to make way for the Forbes Street Market sign.

The new grocery store’s name pays homage to a time when Forbes Avenue was called Forbes Street, and falls within the project’s theme of “things that aren’t actually there.”

According to project coordinator Bill Moore, a sheer lack of fucks has forced his team to cease construction at its current state. This means the ornate decals of the inside of a real grocery store, placed strategically on the windows, is all that students will get.

“We gave you a nice Maggie & Stella’s, we stopped you from shoving more Slurpees down your gullet, and now you have the audacity to complain? Screw you kids, I’m out,” said Moore.

Peek through the cracks of the plywood-covered doorway, and you will see that Forbes Street Market there still isn’t anything inside. The disarray of concrete, exposed wires, and asbestos on the inside starkly contrasts with the fresh bread and colorful produce pictured outside. And while workers are still power-washing the outer facade every hour of the day, they know that they’re polishing a hollowed-out turd of a building.

“I just wanted to be able to eat a vegetable,” said starving Pitt student and South O resident Lanny Jones. “I… I’d forgotten what they tasted like.” His hand gently caressed the fake cucumbers on the outside of the window, and his eyes glistened with longing.

Pitt hopes that what is effectively their prop grocery store will still entice prospective students who walk by, but don’t have the inclination to actually open the door. Off-campus residents are encouraged to trek to stores in other neighborhoods, thus losing their parking spots for eternity.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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