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Pitt Student Gambles on Side Effects of Dirty Water, Didn’t Study for Chem


The recent water emergency, including the water boil advisory issued by the Pittsburgh Water and Sewer Authority, have left many students outraged, confused and very thirsty. But one panther sophomore has thrown in his bacteria-infested towel and decided to just drink the damn dirty water anyway.


The Black Sheep got an exclusive interview with dead-man-walking Thomas Braddock, about his very strange, if relatable, reason for drinking the contaminated water.


“What am I a f**king scientist?” Braddock asked with his hands raised high above his head. When asked to explain this strange rhetorical question, he continued, “Listen, man, I don’t know jack about water. I took Chem 1 three times and still only made it out of that shit with a C+.”

Braddock’s lack of knowledge of what water is and how it can sometimes be unsafe goes beyond simply not knowing the chemical formula (It’s H2O! Everyone knows that; even Trump knows that!). When asked if he was at all concerned by the possible presence of lead and dangerous bacteria in the water supply he simply shrugged his shoulders.

“I thought Lead was good for us. That’s why they put it in pencils and shit, man. It makes you smarter. All my smart friends chew their pencils so the Lead has got to be doing something for them, right?”


After furious facepalming and head shaking on our part, Braddock continued, “I wouldn’t know anything about bacteria. I didn’t study for my microbiology exam tomorrow. I didn’t study for Ochem either. Which class would that fall into? Are bacteria alive? No, they couldn’t be, what would they eat? Yeah that’s Ochem, I don’t know anything about that, man.”

The response from other students has been rather different. Many students have abstained from showers and tooth-brushing – contributing further to the massive cloud of funky smells that hangs in space over South Oakland. But not Braddock.


In his own words, “I’ve been drinking water my whole life and I’m fine. So what if they didn’t clean it right. You know they just do that as a way to control our minds – yeah, it’s one big conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids!” he continued, despite the looks of shock and apprehension in the room, “IT MUST BE STOPPED!” Braddock promptly kicked all of The Black Sheep’s not-drunk reporters out of his garbage-ridden apartment.

Authorities say the water emergency should be resolved within the next few days. And then we’ll all be free to drink beer instead of water over the weekend. As for Braddock, maybe he should pay attention more in class.


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