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Pitt Student Writes Most Beautiful Final Essay in the History of Forever


It is the end of the semester, and as we all know, that means a large influx of final tests, projects, and papers all at once. Some of them are important, like that Bio II exam you need to get a 300% on in order to pass. Others, not so much, like that final group project for your French class that makes you want to die, or that final paper for one of the weird Gen-Ed classes you took this semester.


Pitt sophomore Craig Richards feels this pain the most.


“It’s so hard, being a science major but having to take totally lame history and literature classes to fill up spots. I mean, I want to pick mice apart in labs, not read poetry all day,” Craig explained, “these projects are totally killer.”


Craig also went on to explain that since his Chemistry grade means more to him, he has decided to go easy on his final paper for his Russian Fairy Tales class.


“Yeah, it’s like three paragraphs long and it’s total bullshit, but I have more important things to worry about, like math and… you know, that stuff.”


Craig allowed us to see his essay for his Russian Fairy Tales class, and we were astounded. There is no way to explain Craig’s essay, so we have decided to publish it.


My Final Essay for Russian Fairy Tales

Russia: the United States’ most important ally. Or is it? Will we ever know? That is not important right now. What is important are Russian Fairy Tales. Yes! Folklore, novelty, the good stuff. Stories such as “The Golden Slipper” and the “The Giant Turnip” truly paved the way for stories today. Just kidding, no one has ever heard of those. LITERALLY NO ONE. Thesis statement: Russian Fairy Tales are worthless and Pitt students are stupid if they decide to take this class.


First of all, let’s talk about Russia. Why are we even worried about Russia? Why not a class on American Fairy Tales? What, are there not fairies in America, too? It is so racist that this class is not offered in an American context. Oh, it is? Well I should have taken that then. I guess I am the stupid one now. My second problem with this class is how it is taught. Sorry professor, but you know you aren’t that great. What, you’re telling me you never get on to check and see what the critics are saying? Liar. Anyway, I think instead of forcing us to read this garbage and then quizzing us every week, maybe you should just do a PowerPoint presentation every class. You know, so I can sit on my laptop and pretend to take notes all class, and then cram for the midterm the night before. Just a suggestion though, it’s not like I have my doctorate in useless literature like you do.


Nonetheless, thanks for the easy grade. I don’t even need this essay grade. You could give me a negative number and I would still get a final grade of an A. Have a #blessed day, vy otvratitel’naya devka.


Craig ended up receiving an A in the class AND the essay, which we’re pretty sure the professor read none of anyways. 


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