We are days away from November 1st, known in the U.S. as National “Halloween Is Over So Now It’s Christmas Lol Fuck Da Pilgrims” Day. Before we all collectively give up on the autumn season and pretend it’s the winter for 2 months, Pitt has announced it will release a limited-edition line of Pitt-themed autumn candles. These candles will be available for $75 each at the University Store and will feature unique scents for students to bring home with them over the holidays. Here are a few examples, and the descriptions that will be found on their labels.
7.) Sewage Spice:
This scent perfectly mimics that revolting blast of underground gas students will randomly get while walking along Fifth Ave. and Forbes Ave. And pretty much any street that has buildings next to it.
6.) Towers Lobby Orchard:
An exotic blend of fake Starbucks coffee beans and sweaty freshmen, mixed with nose-wrinkling muddy boot stench and the pungent aroma of Market stove grease.
5.) Petersen Potpourri:
An especially fancy candle that burns in layers. Layer 1 graces your nose with the essence of overpriced apparel. Layer 2 fills your home with the scent of the Baierl Rec Center–everything will reek of sweat-soiled Nike Pro.
4.) South O Sensations:
Garbage, beer, vomit, and shame.
3.) University Store Dream:
One of the collection’s more complex fragrances, this candle captures the many smells of the university store experience. Freshly printed ink on books to draw you in. The B.O. of an employee who really, really wants to help you. The plastic-on-leather scent of your credit card sliding out of your wallet as you pay for textbooks you can’t afford and will never read. It’s all there.
2.) Gallagator Spice:
Dried lizard scales and raised tuition; a successful bi-partisan approval of state funding for the university thanks to the tireless work of administrators and students alike. Also, freshly dry-cleaned suit.
1.) Au De Phipps:
No joke, this one actually smells delightful. Like flowers and shit. Buy this one.
So there you have it, a taste of the Pitt autumn Fragrance collection, available just in time for the tail-end of autumn. They’re the perfect gift, or simply a way to bring the odors of university life home with you this holiday season.