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Pitt Undergrads Call For Union Because Our Lives Are Shit Too

As Pitt graduate students continue to fight for a student union, undergraduates are voicing their offense at the fact that they don’t have one, either. With the mindset of a cranky child whose older sibling is allowed to stay up later than them, Pitt undergrads have begun the movement to form a union of their own. Similar to that child, the undergrads are experiencing sleep-deprivation, diets of mostly empty carbs, and overloaded schedules due to their own lack of time management. Specific demands for an undergrad union are similar to what grad students want, but without the whole “full-time job” aspect. Their demands are as follows:

6.) Security:
-Assurance that we will remain in good academic standing regardless of grades.
-Protection from any disciplinary reprimands whatsoever.
-Guaranteed degrees as long as we go to most of our classes. Unless they’re stupid or don’t take attendance.

5.) Pay:
-Financial compensation both for the labor involved in half-assing our classes, and the emotional trauma inflicted upon us by our parents.
-Periodic raises that align with inflation and our obscene spending habits.
-Tuition that doesn’t bankrupt our parents and make us feel guilty about pursuing an education.

4.) Benefits:
-Wi-Fi that doesn’t shit the bed every damn day.
-Free parking.
-Insurance. All of it. Whatever our parents have. Oh, and make our doctor’s appointments for us, because we don’t like making phone calls.
-Leaves of absence when we feel like we need a self-care day.

3.) Workload:
-We invoke our right to define what a reasonable workload is while failing to accomplish it.
-Time spent thinking about doing homework assignments should count as credit hours.
-Recognition of our intention to address responsibilities, regardless of whether or not we ever do.

2.) Collective Bargaining:
-We don’t entirely know what this means but WE WANT IT GOD DAMN IT.

1.) Academic Freedom:
-Undergrads needn’t be shackled by the confining expectations of professors’ syllabi. We demand the ability to pursue our own individual interests, on our own time, with no assessment of academic progress.

Representatives of the undergraduate student population say that they will begin an advertising campaign as soon as they can scrape together enough money. They will tirelessly call for a union vote until they get bored of the idea and move on to other things.

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