Students seeking Pitt on-campus housing for next year are casting their syllabi aside and frantically checking their housing lottery numbers instead. Amidst the joyous cries of “I got Bouquet!” and the defeated “I guess Lothrop isn’t that bad,” Pitt has announced a new housing option only for the most statistically unlikely lottery numbers, the top one-percent.
The announcement comes after last term’s student surveys conducted by Pitt Housing Services. The questionnaires asked students what they would want from future housing initiatives on-campus. While responses indicated a desire for more affordable housing, an overhaul of the existing sign-in system, and renovations to campus’s older buildings, Pitt is investing in its marginal population of one-percenters with its new construction: Pittvue Apartments.
“This will be the pinnacle of luxury student housing,” says Chancellor Gallagher. “Students may say they want affordability, but I believe this stems from a lack of experience with more opulent accommodations.” The Chancellor is so confident in the value of the construction, that he has announced he will pay for it out-of-pocket. This information comes just after his recent 2.25% annual pay increase.
The lavish building will be reserved for the top 10 lottery numbers only, with each gargantuan apartment housing a maximum of 2 students. Each apartment will feature the amenities one would expect from prestigious housing: stainless steel appliances, granite countertops, Jacuzzi tub, shark tank built into the floor, hookah bar, alpaca petting zoo, bowling alley, and airplane hangar. Room and board for one semester will be $500,000, and residents will still be required to purchase a meal plan. Parking will not be available.
“Pittvue will be the next step in Pitt’s branding as the best public university on the East Coast,” says Gallagher. “You think Harvard or Cornell has student housing like this? Fuck no. This is above Ivy League.” Following his statement, the Chancellor proceeded to douse a pile of Benjamins with champagne and light it on fire.
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