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Pittsburgh Turkey Takes on Oppressive PAT Bus System


Whether your fellow passengers include a creepy dude, a rude older lady, or just a mean driver, the PAT busses are basically Murphy’s Law incarnate. You can’t win when it comes to Pittsburgh public transit, but one bird decided to take this awful system head-on. Last week, a turkey flew through the windshield of a P12. The driver then opened the door, and the badass bird then made her way off of the bus. The bird was not harmed at all, but the bus windshield definitely was. The Black Sheep decided to track down the turkey, and we are lucky enough to have an exclusive interview.


TBS: Hello Ms. Turkey, thanks for joining us today. Are you local to Pittsburgh?


Turkey: I’m actually from Squirrel Hill, originally.


TBS: Ah, very interesting. Have you ever ridden a PAT bus before?


Turkey: Have I ever! I take one every day. They’re always so gobbling late. I’ve almost lost my job because of the Port Authority.


TBS: Yeah, we hate how they’re always late too. How do you react to those who have called you a hero among the working class?


Turkey: Well, I don’t think I’m a hero. I just lost my gobbling cool. I was just too tired of that bus making all of us late. Parking in Pittsburgh is so gobbling expensive, and besides, turkeys aren’t allowed to drive. It’s gobbling discrimination.


TBS: How does it feel to join the ranks of Pitt students who have taken PAT busses head-on and lived to tell the tale?

Turkey: I really feel for those poor students. The bus drivers really need to learn to pay more attention, but then again, those gobbling kids should really start crossing in the cross walks. It’s a mutual relationship.


TBS: That’s very inspiring.


Turkey: Gobble.


TBS: Now tell us, why did you do it? Couldn’t you stand the idea of paying the fee? Was it more about just telling the transit authority to go pluck themselves?

Turkey: Like I said, it’s all about making the system better. We need to fix this on an institutional level, and not let the Port Authority drive all over us. One small crash for me could equal a huge crash against the PAT system.


TBS: That’s very brave of you. How do you respond to claims that you’ve started a movement? Do you think that others should tackle the authority head-on?


Turkey: GOBBLE. I mean, I’m not going to advocate crashing through bus windows, but it was a truly liberating feeling.


TBS: Would you do it again?


Turkey: You never know what the future holds, and revolution is a tricky beast, so, I guess that remains to be gobbling seen.


The unsung hero that walks among us, with her strong and defiant gobbles leading the way to rebellion. Remember her the next time the bus you needed 20 minutes ago is 45 minutes late, or when you get stuck sitting next to a really smelly someone. Just don’t think too much about it next


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