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What You Bought at Pitt’s Poster Sale Says About You

 

It all happens at the beginning of the fall semester. The tents go up, the plastic frames come out, and the money is spent. Whether it be a favorite band, a giant Super Mario picture, or just some weird colorful blobs that glow in the dark, everyone buys at least one poster. Each somewhat tacky, overpriced, mass-produced, custom print has its own group of followers, so here’s a few the students of Pitt may fall under:

 

The Video Game Poster:
Whether you haven’t slept in 13 hours because you were on a Super Smash Bros binge or you keep trying to get your K/D ratio up in COD, theres a poster for you. From giant mushrooms and goomba stomping to hidden blades and assassinations, there are plenty of designs for the socially challenged. If you spend all your time on steam, don’t know what a girlfriend is, and order pizza once a day on average, these are for you. You’re probably an engineer in Forbes that needs to get out more.

 

The Band Poster:
Your’e a cool guy/girl who wants to show other cool dudes that your room is the coolest. You usually start mainstream with something like Coldplay as a poster, then buy a Rolling Stones Jagger poster to seem retro, then maybe round it out with some indie band you picked to seem unique but really you are just another one of the thousands of people listening. You’re too social for your own good, so stop hanging out in the floor lounges and the quad and get to Hillman and study more.

 

The Naked Chicks/Hot Shirtless Guy Poster:
Every floor has one of these people. You walk into their room and suddenly there are life-sized breasts or a six pack staring you in the face. We get it, you have not yet passed the age where boobs or abs or whatever you’re into was still forbidden. But we are in college now, so having these posters actually will stop you from meeting that hot guy or that sexy girl. It’s just weird. Stop going to the creepy frat or house parties of South O with like ten condoms in your back pocket.

 

The Stoner/Psychedelic Poster:
This is for those people who don’t have enough money for a lava lamp, but can still somehow pull a black light out of nowhere and hang up this poster that only makes sense when you’re about a pound deep in whatever you’re dropping, smoking, or snorting. Drinking wasn’t enough for these cool kids, they had to take it to a whole new level by posting Bob Marley or a fractal on their wall and then looking at it for a few hours. You probably supply a good fraction of Oakland with drugs, so pray that your room in Lothrop doesn’t get raided.

 

The Car/Sports Poster:
You’re what’s called on the internet, a Chad. You probably have a name like Aiden, or Braiden, or Kaiden, or Biff, and you used to steal lunch money. Now, you somehow made it to whatever year of college and can’t wait to watch either football or basketball or buy a mustang and ram it down everyone else’s throat. We know you live in Nordenberg, so stop flaunting around like you own the whole campus just because your dorm is new. You must be compensating.

 

Whatever ends up gracing Pitt students’ walls, one thing is for sure: it always gets torn down. Whether it’s in a drunken rage or your roomie is tired of your crazy high antics or the fire sprinkler ruins it when someone pulls the fire alarm in Towers again, each poster has its days numbered from when it is sold for 3x its value. So Pitt students, enjoy it while it lasts, and make sure to always hang it straight with non-marking tape so your RA dosen’t sink you deeper into debt with room damage fees.

 

For those about to rush, we salute you:

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