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Top 8 Reasons To Give Thanks You Don’t Go To Penn State

As you hide your half drank bottle of Smirnoff within the pile of clothes in your suitcase, you may be wondering what you have to be thankful for. With finals coming up, the search for jobs, and the disappointment of your parents over your grades, it may seem all down hill. But hey, consider, you have at least one thing to be thankful for: that you don’t go to Penn State.

8.) There’s no JoePa:
Look, we love Jonas Salk here. And Fred Rodgers. And Alaska Thunderfuck 5000. But those people are important, they cured polio, inspired children, and won All Stars 2 of RuPaul’s Drag Race.  JoePa is just this weird football figure that those Penn Staters worship like he’s a god. He may have won them some national championships, but did he beat out Yekaterina Petrovna Zamolodchikova, but your dad just calls her Katya? I didn’t think so.

7.) The rest of the world doesn’t think we’re crazy:
That obsession with JoePa has led literally everyone else to think Penn State is off their rocker. Which, they are.  We, on the other hand, are known for empty student sections and our hatred of Penn State. A much better legacy.

6.) We have Antoon’s and Sorrento’s:
Can you get a $6 dollar large cheese pizza in Penn State? Maybe, but it definitely isn’t socially acceptable to puke just around the corner from the door and then walk right back in and continue eating. It is here, so you can enjoy your drunken ranch-soaked carbs knowing everyone around you is just as drunk.

5.) Oakland:
Oh Oakland, how we love thee. With your shitty South O streets, and too high rent prices, it’s fine because no matter where we are, we can see the lights of Cathy. We’re just a short walk away from Chipotle and Pamela’s. Instead of being in State College, which is in the middle of fucking nowhere.

4.) Hem’s:
Oh, Hem’s. The bar that exists right under the freshman dorm, where you can get a pitcher full of alcohol for $8. What would you rather have, shot pitchers or… you know, don’t even finish that question. Shot pitchers, any day.

3.) Blue & Gold:
How basic is blue and white?  There’s no pop.  There’s no eye-catcher.  It’s like the sky, which you see every day and it gets boring. Pitt’s colors are like a Gryffindor/Ravenclaw mix, and it’s beautiful. Don’t even get us started on those retro colors. Face it, we’re more aesthetically pleasing.

2.) Fuel & Fuddle:
There’s no half-price Skinny Dip in State College. Right here on Oakland Avenue, you can get $6 buffalo chicken dip, or the drunken heaven of Smashed Potato pizza. And, if your parents pay all of your expenses, you can drink 100 beers and get your name immortalized on the wall of shame that is the Beer Cult wall.  Incredible.

1.) Your Saturdays are free:
It must be exhausting to have a good football team. You have to wake up so early, spend all day at the stadium, and spend all your money on crappy stadium beer. With Pitt football, you know they’re going to lose. Those victory lights are a pleasant surprise. There’s just so much time for activities.

Make sure to give your thanks to Roc and Galligator this Thanksgiving or else the turkey will bring you another tuition raise. Wait, is that the wrong holiday?

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