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Rest in Peace: A Eulogy for the 7-Eleven on Forbes Avenue

Unless you live under a rock or in a dark, damp corner in Hillman, you’ll know that word on campus is the 7-Eleven on Forbes is being absorbed by the monopolizing mogul that is the University of Pittsburgh.

It was confirmed last week by a Pitt spokesman that the university had demanded the convenience store to vacate its location so that it can squeeze even more money out of its students’ already bare pockets. We interviewed some of the 7-Eleven workers, one of which stated, “They told us to get off their land and then proceeded to exclaim ‘Hail to Pitt!’” The shocked worker continued, “It was so strange, they gave us all free Pitt t-shirts as compensation.” We presume the Pitt t-shirts are meant to be funeral attire.

Pitt students have fired back with anger and confusion. “Where am I supposed to buy gaudy Pittsburgh t-shirts?” “Where will I get my Slurpees?” “Where will I buy pizza for five dollars at 3 a.m. now?” Our fallen friend will no longer be able to provide us with suspicious hot dogs and energy drinks in the midst of finals week. We will mourn our loss as we walk all the way to Market-To-Go or side Rite-Aid. Lost but not forgotten, a memorial service for the 7-Eleven will be held at an upcoming date. Rumors say that the service will include ceremonially pouring out Market-To-Go’s knockoff Slurpees and devising a plan to make the administration’s lives as inconvenient as possible, as they continue to do to us.

Also lost is our near and dear Oakland Bakery. According to recent news, not only will the 7-Eleven will be replaced by a Pitt-run grocery store more expensive than our tuition, but the Oakland Bakery and Market will also be vacated and the new store on Forbes will have a smaller bakery section. What can we expect from this new bakery? Will it still sell its amazing almond croissants and Panther paw scones? Will you be able to get your non-fat, dairy-free, gluten-free, air-free frozen dessert at the new bakery? 

Maggie and Stella’s, previously located on Oakland Avenue, will be taking the Oakland Bakery’s location and an Amazon pickup station will be replacing the old location of Maggie and Stella’s.  The silver-lining for students, indubitably, is that instead of waiting in line for their package at the housing mail centers, they can grab a coffee from Crazy Mocha while waiting in line at the Amazon pickup station.

In the wave of this alarming hot mess, we at The Black Sheep asked Chancellor Gallagator for a quote on the matter. Unfortunately, when we handed him the microphone he hissed his tongue at us and desperately tried to hide his scales. 

Today is the closing day for our dear 7-Eleven on Forbes. Updates on the closing of the Oakland Bakery and Market are still yet to be confirmed. May the 7-Eleven rest in peace and may the new bakery and market that take its place be somewhat affordable and not make students pay twenty-five cents for a bag.

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