Pitt Basketball is here, and with this new year we thought that instead of giving you a player by player breakdown of their strengths, weaknesses, and potential predictions for the year, you would rather us just rank each player by who has the sexiest name, and so here is the only preview you really need before the season begins.
14) Cameron Johnson
13) Zach Smith
12) Chris Jones
11) Michael Young
10) Damon Wilson
In the first tier, you have your average, run of the mill names. Nothing wrong with having a normal name. The perks? Announcers never butcher your name when you get introduced! Commentators will probably mention you more often because they have less risk of embarrassing themselves! Starbucks baristas will love you! But unfortunately, if we were to look you up, you might have to wade through more than a few others to get to you. And for whatever it means to you (which is hopefully nothing), you’re going to be low down on this list.
9) Ryan Seelye
8) Ryan Luther
7) Sheldon Jeter
6) Jonathan Milligan
5) Corey Manigault
In life, most of us experience only a handful of different first names. So in that respect, you can’t expect your average person to have an overly exciting first name. But you can make up quite a bit of ground with an interesting last name. Do Seelye and Luther qualify? Sorta. Jeter? Ok. Milligan and Manigault? Yeah, that’ll work.
4) Crisshawn Clark:
Crisshawn is just a really cool name. Like really cool. He might go by Cris or Shawn to make it easier on people but we really hope he doesn’t. We hope he thoroughly enjoys every moment where a teacher is reading his name and sounds like they’ve suffered a head injury trying to figure this out.
3) Jamel Artis:
Short. Sweet. Jamel Artis just rolls off of the tongue nicely. Jamel is sort of like Jamal (which is already a pretty cool name) but with a nice touch of originality. Artis is kinda like artist except, you know, without a “t” at the end making the world all sharp and stinging. Most of us pronounce artist like Artis anyway right?
2) Justice Kithcart:
Justice is a pretty sweet name, but its not the most uncommon right? Alone, probably not enough to warrant the number two spot on this (meaningless) list. Kithcart though? An excellent alliteration that is sure to spawn a meme or two, and hopefully prompt some good posters from the Zoo.
1) Rozelle Nix:
Rozelle is fun to say. And probably would be accentuated if we had an Italian announcer. Rozelle is something you could name your son (or your daughter) and you couldn’t be upset about it. Not that Nix is a bad last name (its not), but what we have here is a potential dominant first-name-only situation, a la “Kobe”, “Lebron”, or “Magic”, which it must be said is elite company.
If you woke up this morning surrounded by ravaged Lunchable boxes, this is for you: