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SGB Reveals Ski Lift Designs to Protect Students from the Winter Cold

Subzero temperatures, archaeological discoveries of frozen men, and constant Twitter bitching has made this year’s winter into the evil frost monster all Pittsburghians have come to expect. And each year’s frostbite email warnings have done nothing, but remind students that their January and February utilities bill is going to be as high as Cathy when she blazes it up. However, the days of huddling together at 10A stops or wearing snowshoes made of your 5th edition chemistry textbooks (that the Pitt Store would not let you sell back) are over.



The Student Government Board, SGB, revealed that they are planning to allocate money to build a student ski lift connecting Pennsylvania Hall to the Union and from the Union to the Hilton Garden Inn in South Oakland. “The Lift,” as they’re calling it, will give students who live in the dark abyss of deep South Oakland, and the secluded hilltop retreat of PA Hall, access to a quick means of transportation to prevent them from having to survive a winter in Jack Frost’s ass crack (aka Pittsburgh). 


The plans are still in the beginning stages of the design, however they do seem to very artistic in nature. The project’s Design Consultant is senior architecture major, Adam Claire. He had very notable projects on campus this year, such as the remodel of the David Lawrence’s Lecture Halls into an exact copy of the Red Keep from Game of Thrones, and the giant penis on the Peterson Events Center lawn a few days ago.




Claire was able to describe the design of The Lift and provide us with a quick sketch of his plans. “I came at this project with a couple necessities,” Claire commented last week, “I knew I needed to keep the design simple enough to keep costs low, but I wanted to give it the old college try and add some Pittsburgh flare. I wanted the cabin of The Lift to be large enough to hold 15 people, but I wanted it to be tall enough to resemble the majesty of the Cathedral of Learning. Additionally, there needed to be four joints at the front to keep it all together securely. It is truly a work of art, and I cannot wait to begin construction in the summer.”  


The University of Pittsburgh’s policy of never closing classes until it is cold enough to step outside of your building and have exposed skin instantly freeze, crack, and fall off, has not been popular among the student body. The Twitter, Instagram, and Yik Yak traffic in Oakland has expressed its concern about Pitt’s policy, and SGB’s Lift seems to be the only solace in this frigid winter.



We applaud the SGB, the University of Pittsburgh, and Mr. Adam Claire for considering the students’ health and safety as they travel through this frigid winter to their classes everyday, even though some days have clocked in at -22 degrees. Students at the University of Pittsburgh will be happy to know that their $27,872 they pay per year to attend this prestigious University is going to the right things that help them with their daily lives and finally not to something completely stupid.

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