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Shit Pitt Upperclassmen Are Just Too Old For

For those of us over that magical age of 21 and nearing graduation, there comes a time where we realize that we just can’t do the shit we used to. As experienced Pitt upperclassmen, you no longer mindlessly wander the streets of South O looking for a party you can pretend to know someone to get into, we work on finishing our F&F beer bibles, like real adults. The list doesn’t just stop there. Here are a few other things at Pitt you’re just too damn old for now.

9.) Sitting in the front or back of the classroom:
You just sit in the middle, like the average student that you are now. Gone are the days of sucking up to your professor by sitting in the front row and hanging on every word. You even let go of the universal sign that you’re an underachiever, sitting in the back row and playing on your phone the whole time. 

8.) Going to basement parties in South O:
The last time you attended one of these the smell of stale beer and the feeling of your sweaty skin against someone else’s was enough to make you nearly vomit. Put on your party outfit and head to G-Door instead.

7.) The ground floor of Hillman library:
You used to come here freshman year when you wanted to pretend to study but really just wanted to gossip with all your friends. Unless you were an engineering major, then you actually suffered. You don’t have time for that game anymore. If you drag yourself out of your crusty Oakland apartment to head to Hillman, you have actual work you have to do. Just not the fourth floor, you’re not that old yet.

6.) Wearing dresses to class:
Specifically for the ladies. Do you remember when you would spend hours before class perfecting your makeup and hair, trying on all your cute dresses in the mirror until you found the perfect one for the day? That was so cute, but now you’re old and bitter. Even if you have hot professors it just isn’t worth it anymore. Throw on some leggings and a hoodie.

5.) Knowing where your Pitt ID is:
The minute you moved off campus and sacrificed Market swipes for cheap ramen, you permanently misplaced this thing. While it once stayed attached to your person at all times and losing it felt worse than losing your phone, you don’t even know if you’ve laid hands on that cheap plastic in months. At least once you lost it you buried a piece of your past with it. Everyone hates their freshman year self, and the photo on the front only served to immortalize your shame.

4.) Taking a 300 person class:
The farther you get into your major the more heinous this becomes. We’re used to small, intimate classes and walking into those freshman traps seems like walking into your own death. It’s not like you need help or want attention from the professor, but these classes are enough to make even the most extroverted individual need some alone time.

3.) Eating at Market:
We’re honestly just kidding with this one. You may not have swipes anymore but you’re begging freshmen to swipe you in at any chance so that for one glorious meal you don’t have to fend for yourself. The pain your stomach will endure later is worth it.

2.) Puking and rallying:
Those nights when your body could handle alcohol like none other. On the verge of making yourself sick, you’d just puke up whatever liquor was still left in your stomach and keep going. Now after a night of even casual drinking you’re more than ready for bed and dreading the headache you’ll have in the morning. You and your friends have even started drinking water in between every few drinks. You’re basically middle-aged.

1.) Walking up even 3 flights of the Cathy stairs:
Did you notice they changed the sign to say you should take the stairs if you have to walk up five floors? What kind of life is this? Those signs really scared you freshman year, so you’d make the walk up to the third floor of Cathy and try to control your breathing because all that Market food and avoiding the Pete really put a dent in your fitness. Now it’s time to embrace the elevator. Who cares if all the people going up to the twenty-eighth floor give you dirty looks? They’ll be doing the same thing tomorrow.

You may be an old-upperclassman-fart, but don’t worry, you’ll always be a young, freshman idiot at heart. 

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