After a class in the African nationality room—a room sans air conditioning—turned into a kind-of ‘student soup,’ a tourist exploring the Pitt Cathedral remarked that she saw the puddle at 1:15 p.m., comparing it to “that thing when Rainbow Dippin’ Dots melt, only bigger.”
Emily Hankle, the tourist in question who assumed this was merely a PR nightmare for the ice cream company, was seriously unaware that the mass of sticky rainbow was actually 40 Intro to Poetry students who had literally melted due to the heat.
“Yeah, around like 1:30 I heard this weird groaning sound come from the room next door,” said Kyle Tagger, a student who was not suffering through the decor and intense heat. “I walked over there to see what was up and all I saw was this giant sweat monster nibbling on the professors remains while reciting horribly written poems.”
After being notified of the disturbance, the 10A driver immediately tried to run down the creature, utilizing the signature ‘barreling full speed’ technique often used for jaywalking students.
“I WAS AN OCEAN……BUT YOU HATE THE BEACH!” the Gollum thing shouted, when asked if he would just kindly go away.
The Pitt Police attempted to burn the monster, banish it with an old Pagan ritual, and reason with it through haiku, though it seems as though he will not disappear until the high temperatures “chill the fuck out.”
Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.