It gets hot as balls here at Pitt and we here at The Black Sheep know it. The best places to swim are a nasty river full of sea monsters and boats and public pools, so it’s better that you just don’t swim at all. In the spirit of urban living, we have had our agents scour the streets of Oakland for the best fire hydrants that you can break to shower yourself, your friends, and any unlucky passers-by.
In Front of Razzy Fresh:
What’s the best thing you can eat to cool off with during the hot summers? Ice cream. Do you deserve ice cream? No, because you didn’t get a summer job and don’t work out. So why not get some froyo, the next best thing, take your clothes off and give dirty Forbes a shower.
Lothrop and 5th:
Right up the hill from Razzy sits our next contestant, and a bunch of medical buildings. What safer way to break the law and shower in the street than to do it in front of a hospital-y place? If the cops come, blame it on a crazed medical student who has 2 hours a day to sleep; and if you get run over, sue the driver’s ass and enjoy swift medical attention.
In Front of PNC:
We uncovered a secret while researching for this article. PNC buildings are living, breathing creatures whose veins are the sewer systems. Underneath any PNC, the pipes run green with cash and if you pop a hydrant open, you’ll be showered in bills. This is the best way to extort money from a financial institution because it’s all 100% legal since it is technically public water.
Right Next to Hillman:
If you want to have a nice, relaxing day of tapping into Pittsburgh’s municipal water supply, then the best way to do it is to grab your favorite book from Hillman, walk across the street to 7-Eleven and get some donuts, then kick over a fire hydrant and lay in its shower of love while you eat your soggy balls of dough and watch as your favorite work of art turns into Swamp Thing.
In the Shadow of the Cathedral:
If you’re a true Pitt patriot then the best way to show your Pitt Pride is to vandalize its property. And which building is the most significant, important, loved building on the whole Pitt campus? Chipotle, so don’t fuck with it. But you can break one of the cathedrals few fire hydrants and watch as the crazy English department lights their newest novels on fire because they don’t sound enough like James Joyce.
Fooled you! CMU has no fire hydrants because they believe they’re not aesthetically pleasing enough. Do you see a fire hydrant in that picture? Just wait and see who’s laughing when your precious art spontaneously combusts.
In Front of the Playhouse:
Down towards South O is a Point Park Playhouse where all the bleeding heart thespians of the world go to show their emotions through saying words loudly and moving a lot. There’s also a hydrant there that needs a-breakin’. So go over there, be the cultured swine you are, and show your true self to the world by rolling around on the wet pavement in your underwear while screaming the lines of West Side Story.
Now, if you want some real street thugging, hydrant cracking, cap popping action, head on down to South Oakland and invite all the homeless to take a street shower with you.
Tools needed to complete the task of breaking a fire hydrant include a big wrench and some huge stones because everyone around you will hate you for it. Just bask in the glory of sewer water and laugh at all of the sweaty suckers not enjoying a free shower.