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The Sh*tty Sixteen of Pitt’s Sh*ttiest Things

 

For college sports fans, it is the most wonderful time of the year: March Madness. As the NCAA basketball tournament winds down from thirty-two teams to the sweet sixteen, everyone is on edge to see who will walk home with the championship. However, since everyone’s brackets are totally fucked, between Pitt shamefully losing to Wisconsin and Michigan State getting embarrassingly upset by Middle Tennessee, The Black Sheep has decided to put together our own special bracket of things we Pitt students just love to hate. Without further ado, the 2016 Pitt March Sadness Bracket: Sweet Sixteen.

 

Round One: Sweet Sixteen

 

MarchSadness_1

 

(1) Market Food v. (10) The Market Maggot:

One of our favorite match-ups is back as the infamous Market Maggot takes on disgusting Market Food. Though we’d love to talk statistics, we both know who is worse, and that is market food. How is it worse? Because you can’t get rid of it with a little bug spray.

Winner: Market Food

 

(2) All Penn State Fans v. (11) Off-Campus Football Stadium:

When it comes to football, we Pitt fans take shit seriously. Okay, seriously enough to stay at least three quarters. You know who else takes it seriously? Penn State fans. Or should we say, fans of child abuse scandals. Though it sucks to not have a football stadium here on campus, at least we aren’t stupid idiot jerks from Happy Valley.

Winner: Penn State Fans

 

(14) Wireless PittNet v. (8) High Tuition:

Both of these things are bureaucracy gone horribly wrong. Nonetheless, one of these plagues us for now, and the other will plague us for the rest of eternity. PittNet is obviously worse because, let’s face it, we knew what we were getting ourselves into when we signed on for those loans.

Winner: Wireless PittNet

 

(12) Crazy 10A Drivers v. (4) Cardiac Hill:

At least Cardiac Hill doesn’t threaten our lives (most of the time).

Winner: Crazy 10A Drivers

 

(13) Foreign Professors v. (6) Pittsburgh Weather:

Okay, neither of these hurt us necessarily, but damn do we just not understand them. What do you mean it is sunny and sixty today, but snowing tomorrow? What do you mean “I speak no well English?” At least the professors are trying though, and for that, we thank them.

Winner: Pittsburgh Weather

 

(15) Overpriced Antoon’s v. (3) The Line at the O:

After a long night of drinking, we are all bound to end up at one of these places. The question is, would drunk us rather pay $6.42 for a pizza, or wait in line fifteen minutes for fries? Well, we can barely stand up, so…

Winner: The Line at the O

 

(16) Pathfinder Tours v. (5) Rogue City Cyclists:

Ah, two things that really jam up the sidewalks on our beautiful, trying-not-to-sprint-because-we’re-late strolls to class. They’re both annoying and think they are entitled to the entire walkway, but at least the Pathfinders have to put on a fake smile when we shove past them.

Winner: Rogue Cyclists

 

(7) Boulevard of the Allies v. (9) Busted Parties:

Both of these a South Oakland phenomenon, we know their presence all too well. Both are awful, frightening things, and we never want to come in contact with them, but at least the boulevard doesn’t cause you to jump through a window and over a fence. Nice try, Pitt Police.

Winner: Busted Parties

 

Round Two: Elite Eight

 

MarchSadness_2

 

(14) Wireless PittNet v. (1) Market Food:

One gives you painful diarrhea, the other one doesn’t.

Winner: Market Food

 

(2) All Penn State Fans v. (12) Crazy 10A Drivers:

Though both groups are full of despicable humans, at least the 10A drivers are on our side. If you started a “Fuck Penn State” chant on a bus, they probably wouldn’t even stop it.

Winner: Penn State Fans

 

(9) Busted Parties v. (6) Pittsburgh Weather:

These two things both suck tremendously, so it’s hard to pick which is worse. We have to go with Pittsburgh Weather, just for the simple fact that, unlike a loud party getting busted, it is completely unpredictable.

Winner: Pittsburgh Weather

 

(5) Rogue City Cyclists v. (3) The Line at the O:

Even though the cyclists could hit and kill us, honestly, standing in line late at night is so much worse. Plus, we all have those days where the thought of being run over doesn’t sound so bad.

Winner: The Line at the O

 

Round Three: Final Four

 

MarchSadness_3

 

(1) Market Food v. (6) Pittsburgh Weather:

You know what we think? Shitting yourself is worse than a little rain, period.

Winner: Market Food

 

(2) All Penn State Fans v. (3) The Line at the O:

Don’t get us wrong, the line at the O sucks, but we can’t betray our favorite dirty hot dog stand for a bunch of redneck PSU fans.

Winner: Penn State Fans

 

Round Four: THE CHAMPIONSHIP

 

MarchSadness_4

 

(1) Market Food v. (2) Penn State Fans:

At last, the two things Pitt students despise more than anything. Though this was a very tough decision (ha, not) we must stick to our morals. Penn State Fans are akin to Satan himself, therefore…

 

WINNER OF 2016 PITT MARCH SADNESS BRACKET: ANY AND ALL PENN STATE FANS

 

MarchSadness_Final

 

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