As the negative temperatures seem to be behind us, the time has come to start up the sacred art of the day drink. When there are no sports to tailgate for, Pitt students have no problem getting a keg slash buying the store out of Keystone and calling it a “dayger.” Making bad decisions in the daylight is ten times more entertaining than in the darkness of night, so day drinks are essential for a college student’s social life. There are certain ways to master the day drink, and we’re here to tell you how to do that.
Out-Game the Pre-Game
No one likes a Sober Sally. Make sure you hit the bottle (or warm bag of Franzia) as hard as you can in the comfort of your towers dorm room before you venture out to drink publicly. There’s no such thing as showing up to a day drink too drunk, so you might as well go as hard as you can because YOLO. Be sure to take a water bottle filled with your alcohol of choice in case there isn’t enough alcohol to supply your borderline-alcoholic needs.
Picking the right shoes can make or break your day drink experience. Be sure to opt for a pair of your newest sandals or Sperry’s to show off how cool you are and how you appreciate the finer things in life. Though they may end up covered in dirt or throwup, this will act as a reminder of the epic afternoon (or for some, morning) you spent drinking cups of lukewarm beer with people you can’t stand to be around.
Make sure to leave your place of pre-game fifteen minutes before the event is supposed to start to ensure you will be the first to the alcohol and to make friends with the hosts. Feel free to bring a party gift, such as a bag of O-Fries or a monogramed tumbler for the host to drink out of. This is sure to guarantee you endless supplies of alcohol of your choosing and the slightest uptick in probability you’ll get laid — which lord knows you need.
The Party Don’t Start ’til I Walk In
Make sure that your entrance is rememberable to everyone in eyesight. Mentally play your favorite party song, preferably anything by Justin Bieber pre-puberty. Pretend you’re Tyra Banks and strut the cracked walkway to the stairs, pretending to know everyone that crosses your path. Since you out-gamed the pre-game, you should have no trouble doing this.
If you think you went hard in the pre-game, you’re going to need to go even harder at the actual party. Make sure you stay coherent enough to take a whole camera roll of selfies and tell every girl there you are like obsessed with her outfit.
When you can barely stand on your own two feet and your drunk goggles can’t seem to make the fours feel like sevens, it’s time to stumble home to your bed. It’s like you can almost hear it calling your name, becoming less of a rock than it usually is. If you leave alone, it’s okay — Cathy will always be there to hold your hand and guide you home. Your stomach growls and you realize you haven’t eaten since your last rice cake in your spring break diet, so what better way to end your day by taking a trip to market? Two cheeseburgers, three full plates of French fries, and a whole white pizza later, you crawl up the steps and somehow make it to your bed where you sleep for the next week, despite the fact that it’s only 7p.m..