In the wake of Dean Humphrey’s historic exit as the University of Pittsburgh’s Dean of Students, Pitt is missing a Dean of Students. For several weeks now the position has been highly debated around tables in Hillman, in the offices of the Cathedral of Learning, and over steaming plates of horsemeat at Market Central. Speculation on the new “Supreme Commander of Undergraduates” has been vast and varied as the selection of food at Perch.
In a recent announcement from the Office of the Chancellor, Pitt has produced the current 10-person shortlist of those highly qualified individuals. Here they are:
10.) Left Shark:
The current out-of-water dancing machine has made a name for himself at Super Bowl XLIX due to his “give-no-fucks” attitude to his dance numbers. The Black Sheep appreciates such a spirit who’d rather dance to his own beat than be commanded by the big-titted lion rider, Katy Perry.
9.) John CR Kelly of John CR Kelly Realty:
Sometimes it’s the hometown touch that a university needs. Who better to justify the recent tuition raises, and general confusion to any sort of understanding of where all students’ money goes, than the current Slum Lord of South Oakland.
She is all seeing and all knowing. She is students’ compass on drunken nights. She dominates students’ Instagram feeds. She never has a bad hair day. Give her the job. NOW.
7.) Kanye West:
The Black Sheep would love to see a strong-headed spotlight-stealer given full control of all of the undergraduates of the University of Pittsburgh. Also, giving a College Dropout a chance to control a university would be fantastic publicity.
6.) New Amsterdam Vodka:
This candidate would surely give the freshmen program, The Tipping Point, a new spin. However, we applaud the Pitt’s audacity to think the Dean of Students should be by the students, for the students, and in the students’ refrigerators at all times. The transparency is so very refreshing in this inebriated world or politics we seem to live in.
5.) Ex-Chancellor Nordenberg:
This dude has a beautiful dormitory named after him, and then he gets the boot? It is great to see Pitt realizing they should never have cut out this pimp daddy.
4.) Ophelia, the Mother of Market:
Every time she swipes a student into Market Central, she makes you feel so welcome. With Ophelia at the helm, everyone will get a hug and free fruit everyday.
3.) Durand Johnson:
Due to this young man’s ineligibility to play basketball, it seems Pitt’s administration felt they needed to throw this hard working student athlete a bone. The best possible outcome of this choice would be to have a kick-ass basketball team and bring home a championship.
2.) The Watchdog:
He’s not the hero Pitt deserves, but he is the hero Pitt needs. The Watchdog protects Pitt’s students on the street everyday. The Watchdog deserves to be given the chance to flex his skills in an appropriate position of power. Also, this would get him to stop freaking out 10A riders who look up from their phones to find him in their face asking for money.
1.) The Student Government Board:
They already have so much power, who knows to what heights this shadow network of power-players will take Pitt. Give them total control of this university, and who knows what kind of monthly pizza parties will be held in the Union?