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Top 10: People You See During an All Nighter at Pitt

All nighters revel in the silent suffering of Pitt Students in Hillman, Cathedral, Benedum, and every other corner of campus where there are outlets, tissues, and bathrooms to catch our nervous vomit. As pre-finals dead-zone-but-why-are-these-bullshit-group-projects-getting-assigned time is here, more and more people are logging long hours in the dark crevices of this campus. Here are the Top 10 people you see during an all nighter. 


10.) Mr. Casual:
How are you siting there bumping to show tunes when the world around is dead asleep. This guy enjoys his time here. With a creepy smile, onlookers can never be sure if he’s either nocturnal or a voluntary insomniac. Regardless, he usually has a 3-table radius around him to be on the safe side.


9.) Foreign Exchange Student:
With a time-zone problem, these individuals are do nothing but squeal on the ground floor of Hillman as they try to make psychics funny on their white board. Nothing is funny here! Why are you laughing! Be tired and miserable like everyone else!


8.) The Athlete:
PSYCH. You think they pull all nighters? Pitt made them sign a contract before the played their first game asserting they need their beauty sleep before getting romped by whatever ACC team they play. Their “tutors” on the other hand…


7.) The Monkey:
One leg up, one leg to balance, and an arm to spin in break dancing fashion. You always ask yourself, “why’s that guy laying on the table with one leg behind his head and one used to pick up his Jimmy Johns?” He would reply with, “’cause fuck hands.” 


6.) The Tweeker:
Similar to the Monkey’s body positions, this kind soul is the only fighter of the group. All nighters must be expected and planned out, but this student dives in before testing the waters. They think coffee will keep them alive, but around midnight their jitzing all over the place and the walls are closing in on them in a caffeine-induced panic attack.


5.) The Procrastinator:
You can find this particular student on the fourth floor quietly laughing to herself about the work she needs to have done before the sun rises. 5 page paper, 3 midterm tests, one group project; she’ll look through her drunken Tinder replies to bring laughter, like a sad clown trying to cheer up passengers on a sinking ship.


4.) The Binge Watcher:
This is category is almost a sub-classification of the Procrastinator, but there is one distinct difference. While the Procrastinator accepts his idiocy and (eventually) gets shit down, the Binge Watcher posts up in Cup and Chaucer, plugs in his already-charged laptop, and commits his failing ass to the third season of House of Cards.


3.) The Talker:
“Peace, quite, and the pursuit of sleep,” means nothing to this all nighter. They’re only up to take your concentration and twist it until suddenly it’s 7 a.m. and your body hates you more than the morning after housing Campus Deli mozzarella sticks and a handle of Admiral Nelson.


2.) God:
Hallucinations are common, don’t worry.


1.)  Your Tough Love Friend:
After 48 hours each event blurs together and no amount of AMP, Starbucks, or 5 Hour Heart Attack Serum will keep an exhausted body going. That’s why you have your tough love friend there to slap you, pull you out of the library and throw your ass in bed before using your card for Wings Over. Heros need rewards too, and that exactly what those honey BBQ meat trophies will be. 

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