Leading a healthy life is a very important thing. When the doctor orders one glass of red wine for dinner, you should drink 6. When your mother says an apple a day keeps the doctor away, smoke the apple then eat it, because cannabis brings down your anxiety levels. And when the clock hits New Years, feed yourself false promises of working out for longer than three days straight.
In an effort to educate you on the hierarchy of newfangled gym-goes, cramming themselves into Pete because NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS SKINNY F*CKING FEELS, here are the 10 people you will find in the Petersen Events Center.
10.) The Screamer:
You can hear this guy over Arianna Grande’s whining screech in your earbuds. He’s got two 45-pound plates on either side of the bench press, and he’s always maxing out, bro. Without warning, his screeching call knocks you off the treadmill as you scan the sky for a pterodactyl.
9.) The Hulk:
With a snapback hat and white Beats by Dre, Hulk walks around the racks with a Pitt Criminal Justice tank. His vocabulary has been reduced to only grunts as he eyes you up through the mirror. Every time you see him you just think, Why are you here? You already won.
8.) The Gorgeous Girl:
Rarely venturing to any weights, her domain is restricted to the mats and the treadmill. Male or female, if you catch yourself staring at her climbing those endless stairs, stair after stair after stair after stair, don’t feel bad. She knows what she’s doing.
7.) Mr. Cut-Offs:
Never have you seen this guy wearing sleeves. You hope he knows it’s January and it’s Pittsburgh — but then again you don’t because he cut the sleeves off his MLK Day of Service Shirt, and you don’t deface that shit.
6.) Get-in, Get-out Guy:
With one hour a day to squeeze in some time at the gym, this guy knows what he’s doing and does it. No time to stare at the girl in the pink sports bra on the treadmill, he’s got his “DO SOME DAMAGE” playlist and he’ll be done before Meghan Trainor can say bass three times.
5.) The Reader:
Somehow these wizards of multitasking are able to both run on the treadmill while accurately reading through their geology textbook. Are you secretly hoping the book falls creating a horrible accident, setting off a chain of events that will scare and/or injure you so badly you’re able to sue Pitt and get free tuition? Wait…
4.) The Bodybuildess:
She is found doing pull-ups in the center of the Pete while yelling at the scrawny Pitt band flutists. She’ll have fingerless gloves and a Pitt Women’s Rugby shirt on, but to keep an air of femininity, she’ll wear a pink knee brace despite it sort of making her more intimidating — especially when she continues to wear it in a casual setting.
3.) Ms. Big T-Shirt, No Makeup:
Headphones in and ponytail up, these girls know what a gym is used for and don’t screw around. If you try to steal her machine she will beat the shit out of you with her iPhone 6 Plüs, then ace the philosophy midterm that you couldn’t answer one question of and flip you off for being an ugly virgin.
2.) The Watcher:
Often in the stretching area of the Pete, this guy is as limber as a drunk Pitt gymnastic coach, but with the conversational prowess of a freshman during O-Week. He will never actually lift a weight, but he’ll sure break a sweet watching everyone else do so.
1.) The Athlete:
With an aura of confidence, these cocky bastards prefer to “get their workout” by running the basketball courts for 9 hours a day. Then they look at you like you’re the beefy manifestation of a Qdoba burrito — soft and mushy on the outside, stuffed to capacity with sauce and cheese on the inside. Sure, they’re completely right, but fuck ‘em, they don’t know you.