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Top 10 Pitt Resources No One Uses Because They’re Stupid

Pitt offers countless campus resources for their helpless students who need to be guided through all aspects of life. Unfortunately, all of these resources are hella stupid. Here are the top 10 Pitt resources that are utilized by nobody. 

10.) Student Health:
No one goes to the fake Pitt doctor’s office. Why? Because college students lack independence and have never had to make an appointment for themselves. If we’re sick, we will DayQuil our way to the end of the semester, or until our moms can take us to our childhood pediatricians, thank you very much. 

9.) Career fairs:
We’ll be damned if we’re going to dress up and parade around a bunch of corporate sellouts for money. Career fairs are complete shams designed to give undergrads the illusion of networking. In reality, they’re just speed-dating with condescending employers that will forever leave them on read.

8.) Bicycle sharing:
Those fugly, bulky bicycles that people can pay to use are doomed to stay on Fifth Ave eternally. The occasional tourist may use one to pedal their way around Oakland, but students opt out of this lame mode of transportation.

7.) The Writing Center:
Pitt professors who teach writing-intensive courses are contractually obligated to recommend the Writing Center. No student to date has heeded their advice. In fact, some students claim that the Center isn’t even real. Their pride blinds them to their own shitty grammar, and they are unwilling to accept outside assistance. 

6.) Advising:
Pitt students go to advising appointments out of obligation. They need that registration hold removed and that’s it. Advisors don’t know what classes we should take, nor do they give a shit if it takes us ten years to reach our credit requirement. Any advice pertaining to our college career comes from judgmental tirades from our parents.  

5.) Healthy U:
What the fuck even is this? There are Healthy U posters near every gym on Pitt’s campus advertising group fitness activities: spin classes, swim lessons, circle jerks, all that shit. There are two problems with this resource: most college students lack the willpower to get fit, and those that do lack the social skills to talk to people.

4.) The vegan station at Market:
If we go to market, we’re not trying to get some fancy shmancy, rice-and-vegetable dish. We’re there to chow down on waffles, fries, and soft serve. If you’re actually vegan, (1) you really shouldn’t be eating at Market anyway and (2) just suck it up and eat cheese, hippie.

3.) Pitt Arts:
Nice, I got an email! Ah, fuck, it’s Pitt Arts. No, I don’t want to go to the damn Carnegie Museum, leave me alone. Messages from Pitt Arts are akin to snaps from Team Snapchat: everyone gets them, nobody pays attention to them.

2.) Computer labs:
Unless your laptop broke because you spilled your grande caramel macchiato on it, there’s no reason to venture into the Cathy dungeon for these desktop computers. Do your homework that was due two weeks ago in shameful privacy like the rest of us.

1.) The landline phones in campus housing:
Every Pitt on-campus residence has a rotary phone on every floor. They’re great if you want to call your crush while laying on your stomach with your feet in the air, twirling the twisty chord in your fingers the whole time. Just kidding, these fuckers are useless.

So it looks like if you have a problem, you’ll have to be resourceful and find a way to avoid all of these useless Pitt resources.

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