St. Patrick’s Day is the day of merciless drinking and bursting Irish pride. Whether you were born with the orange of Ireland’s flag already sprouting out of your potato-like head while your mother drank a pint of Guinness — or your last name is Garcia and you like drinking — it doesn’t matter. At Pitt, it is an excuse to put on sickening amounts of green, trade your horns for a shamrock hat, and hit Peter’s Pub. However, there are some who don’t seem to know the proper protocol when it comes to celebrating St. Patrick’s.
10.) Don’t dye your hair orange:
Did you know that not all Irish people are gingers? Sure, 10 to 30% of the population of Ireland are, but Bono, Colin Farrell, and Liam “I’m gunna fuck your ginger impersonating ass up” Neeson are Irish and don’t have any red hair, so chill with the assumptions.
9.) Don’t try to do an Irish accent:
No one wants to listen to you struggle through it. If you really want something for your mouth to do while bored, just order another Irish Car Bomb.
8.) Don’t refuse to wear green:
It’s a holiday for drinking and fun. If you don’t wear something to support that then you’re about as fun as a half baked potato — which everyone knows is the least fun vegetable.
7.) Don’t try to make this Mardi Gras:
The prospect of throwing beads at girls is always welcomed, but throwing beads takes one hand away from double fisting at the day long St. Patty’s Day Drunk Fest 2015.
6.) Don’t try to educate people on what the holiday really means:
The only person who should try to do this is your drunk Irish Grandfather who is clearly making shit up on the spot since his seventh whiskey isn’t letting him remember any specifics.
5.) Don’t try to act like you’re 100% Irish:
The last full Irishman to be a member of your family came over in 1909. Your Irish blood is so watered down and bastardized that if you were a beer, you’d be a Natty Light, not a Guinness.
4.) Don’t say you’d rather be drinking a Guinness:
While Guinness is an Irishman’s first choice, you take what Peter’s or Hemmingway’s will give you. It doesn’t matter if it’s domestic draft or fermented potato water; your Irish great-great-great-granddaddy drank whatever was put in front of him.
3.) Don’t dress up as a leprechaun:
Unless you’re actually a little person, then you’ve got a pass. Just make sure you get paid by the pub for your yearly appearance and grand showmanship.
2.) Don’t go to class with a beer
Before you think this is blaspheme, please remember that there are ties out there you can fill with whiskey and drink while in class. This would add to your day’s festivities and allow you to celebrate “responsibly.” Win-Win.
1.) Don’t record any of this on Social Media
Why you ask? Think back to your worst night this past semester. Remember the feeling you had the next morning while reading your tweets? Now think about what you will say during a holiday that’s sole purpose is to get you drunk. Half your tweets will be attempted Irish gibberish!
The Black Sheep believes that by using these rules, Pitt students will be able to avoid being labeled a St. Patty’s Day Douche. Here is a quick Irish proverb to hold dear to your heart as you traverse the pubs of Southside and Oakland:
Here’s to a drunk life and a blurry one,
A quick chaser and an easy one,
A slutty girl (or guy) and a ginger one,
A cold pint and another one!