Finals week is fast approaching. You know what that means – it’s time to study very hard about things you should have been learning the whole semester. Nobody ever learns these things as they go along though, so you’re fine, at least from our perspective. The totally not drunk journalists of The Black Sheep are here to help with your finals week stress. Take a break from all the hard work you’re doing and enjoy one of these activities.
6.) Go to Phipps or a Museum:
Yeah, yeah this sounds like learning but trusts us… there’s enough there to make you forget that you ever even took a class at Pitt. And it’s free! Take a date. This reporter can confirm that a date at the art museum is successful 1 out of 10 times. We’ll take those odds.
You’re only in college once so it makes sense to drink every day, doesn’t it? South Oakland has plenty of bars and stores to keep you well stocked for finals week. Also they’ll sell you booze any other week of the year too. Isn’t America great? We love this country, even if PA has some wacky liquor laws.
4.) Find the National Treasure:
You saw the movie. You know there’s a secret treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence. And yes, it’s in Philadelphia. Tell us again how you’re from “outside Philly.” Oh please! It’s jus sooo interesting how you live an hour from the city you claim to be outside of. Find the treasure and take it back to fucking Scranton where you’re actually from.
3.) Bang Your Professor:
It can’t be that difficult. After all, professors are people too. And trust us, you’ve been going to the gym for so long bro that any girl (even if she’s a grown-ass woman) would be dying to sleep with you. YOU ARE THE FUCKING MAN, BRO! lol just kidding. You suck. You’re weak. Nobody will ever love you.
2.) Throw Rotten Tomatoes at Every Pitt Athlete You See:
Pitt sports suck more than a taco made an Englishman. Pitt is not a great sports school, and if you’re somehow convinced we are you made need check yourself into Presby for a head exam. Our football, basketball, baseball, soccer and hockey teams are made of mediocre athletes that don’t win the games that matter. So throw a goddam tomato at the next Pitt athlete you see. Maybe it will encourage that loser to actually win a damn game next season. Or maybe not. Either way you pay for their (and we use this term loosely) “education.”
1.) Read The Black Sheep:
Yeah, it’s some knock out stuff at The Black Sheep. Oh look at that, we’re being meta (google it you science majors) and self-deprecating! La-dee-fucking-da for us. Read our articles or you’ll fail all your finals. We guarantee it.