As the end of the semester, and finals, creep closer, Pitt students across campus are going into panic mode. There’s only around two weeks left to drag your failing grade up to a degree earning ‘C.’ Do you take the more conventional route of cram studying to ace your final and hoping for the best, or do you take a more immoral route? The Black Sheep has some tips and tricks to help you salvage your grade.
6.) Actually Study:
Dust off the $300 dollar textbook you opened maybe once in the beginning of the semester. Maybe you’ll even head to one of the upper floors of Hillman where people actually go to get work done. When you do this is up to you. You can carefully block out your time to study over the course of the next few weeks, or the night before your final you can slam three Red Bulls and forsake sleep for your grade. We all know which one you’ll pick.
5.) Play Teacher’s Pet:
Don’t forget that your professors are people too. Pavlovian train them to be happy when they you’re your name in hopes they’ll feel good enough to give you an ‘A.” Take a trip back to your elementary school days where your parents made you bring your teacher an apple to show you appreciated them. Facebook stalk them to find their favorite candy, favorite alcohol, whatever. You may even get bonus points if it’s a psychology professor.
4.) Sob Your Way to a ‘C’:
If you have a particularly sensitive professor, come see them during office hours and let the tears flow. Cry about your family, your friends, your dog that died three years ago, and put all of that to blame for your failing grade. It’s not your laziness or excessive binge drinking at fault, it’s definitely your dad who has ridiculously high expectations for you and you always feel like no matter what it isn’t good enough. Bonus points if your insecurities match their own.
3.) The Tried and True Method, Sleep With Your TA:
You have multiple friends that have tested this method. Everyone’s considered it at least once. If you happen to be failing a class with at least a semi-attractive TA, why not give it a shot? Everyone has somewhat dubious morals. Swipe left till you find them and embrace the awkwardness for the next two weeks. It’ll be worth it in the end.
2.) Have Someone Else Take Your Final:
If you’ve rarely been to class, your professor won’t even know what you look like. Take advantage of your laziness and pay off one of your smarter friends to show up to the exam for you. Yeah, if you get caught you could get thrown out of the university, but who cares about that? Your suffering will be over.
1.) Just Give Up:
Just admit that it’s over. If you were going to get your grade up, the time to do it was far before now. Accept the grade you know you’re going to get and sit back. Crack open a beer and watch the rest of your semester fly by. At least you’ll be content with the drop in your GPA.
But in reality, we all know you’ll just cram study. Good luck!
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