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Top Recruits for 2016-2017 Pitt Basketball

 

Within the past week, chaos has ensued in the athletic department of the university. Jamie Dixon, former head coach of Pitt Men’s Basketball, left for his alma mater, Texas Christian University. Which brought in his place the former head coach of Vanderbilt Men’s Basketball, Kevin Stallings, an absolutely crazy mess. Along with all this, Athletic Director Scott Barnes was unanimously voted worst decision-maker in modern history. Amidst all this hype, Pitt has still been recruiting top players across the nation to work under this new program. We at The Black Sheep have gotten ahold of a very interesting list of potential Men’s Basketball recruits for the upcoming season and learned some special facts about them. 

 

Tyler Brown (PG) of Tkovischa High School

— Originally from Grimsey, Iceland

— Secretly loves hairless cats but is too afraid to admit it to himself and others

— Used to play tennis for fun but now finds it too feminine for his new baller image

— Can run the mile in one minute flat but has not recorded it because he is afraid of how famous he would become if people knew

 

Harrison van der Graaf (C) of New England Prep

— Originally from Burlington, Vermont

— Enjoys skiing and being an asshole about how often he goes to Brackenridge

— Nobody even knows why he plays basketball, honestly

— Maybe he should just become a professional skier if he thinks he’s so good now shouldn’t he

 

Kendrick F. Lamar (F) of West Philadelphia High School

— Originally from West Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

— Not to be confused with Kendrick Lamar the Hip-Hop artist, but wtf that is so funny!!!

— Idolizes Drake and wishes he was one of his girls

— Used to play street ball with Will Smith before his auntie made him move to Bel Air

 

Georgie Young (C) of Some Random High School

— Originally from Somewhere in the Midwest, USA

— Prefers to be called George but is called Georgie by teammates because it pisses him off

— Lives in a corn silo on the plains of Nebraska 

— Learned to ball by tossing apples into a bucket from a few feet away

 

Kevin Plocinski (F) of Chapel Hill High School

— Originally from Chapel Hill, North Carolina

— Was offered spots on teams at Duke, UNC, Kansas, and Kentucky, but decided he didn’t want to take his amazing talent to a school that actually deserved it

— Is second in his high school class of 600, and is not first because he spends a lot of homework time volunteering at a shelter for homeless chickens

— Why are you even here Kevin

 

We genuinely hope these young men commit to Pitt so they may be exposed to the beauty of Pittsburgh and the Oakland Zoo. We also wish them the best of luck, and can only hope Stallings doesn’t tell one of them he is going to “fucking kill them.”

 

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