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Trump Purchases Pitt’s Towers in Attempt to Reach Millenials


Money, money, money, money… money. That’s Trump’s motto. Well, over the weekend the unthinkable happened, Trump bought Towers A-C and renamed then Trump Towers. We know such a thing already exists, but this is Trump we’re talking about. He already owns New York, so he figured he’d spread his influence to other, better places. That’s why he avoided Philly and came straight here to Pittsburgh. And what a joy it is…


Towers is basically the center of our campus and a bunch of us students live there. So, in an effort to push as many poor people out of their homes, Trump bought a college dormitory. Or three for that matter. Yes, towers may not be great, or well-maintained, or well-ventilated, or well-decorated. Or fun. According to Trump, that’s all going to change now.


He’s going to gold plate the shit out of Towers. This, for some really stupid and odd reason, is the only thing Trump has purchased here in Pittsburgh. Why? As said above, to push poor people out, but the main reason is he sees this as a challenge. College students seem to not like him all that much, at least in comparison to other candidates like Bernie Sanders, so he wants to buy the place where a lot of us live and turn it into an incredibly tall monument to his impotency. As his hands are big, so are his Towers, and probably his boats and trucks. He also doesn’t want the Cathedral of Learning to surpass him because learning is dumb. To accomplish this, he’s going to do the astonishing feat of taking Towers B and C out of their foundations and placing them on top of Tower A.


The Black Sheep reached out to Mr. Trump for comment on the situation. Don’t ask us how, but we totally did. When asked why Pittsburgh, Trump said, “I don’t know, I realized I had some spending money left in my wallet after buying Canada.” We were still left confused. He continued, saying, “You sorry yinzers better be appreciative of me. I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you since the cure for Polio. I’m gonna cure this city of another disease, the poor!”


We got scared and ran. We only have like $30 in our bank accounts cumulatively, so we’d be one of the first on his cure-list.


We wanted to reach out to the locals about Trump’s wild allegations and promises, but his campaign manager emailed us and said that if we put any quotes from anyone else near a quote from Trump, we’ll be sent to a money-gulag whenever he becomes president. We’re not sure what a money-gulags is, but it sounds really scary so we refrained from getting any other opinions on the matter. 


Sadly though, no matter the results of the presidential race, Pitt will forever be affected and reminded of the influence of an incredibly tan white man with a hairpiece whose campaign is run by memes. The construction of Trump Megatower ABC is underway and he plans to give speeches from the top promising to build a wall between Oakland and Southside so we can’t go to the cool bars. No one can save us now. All hope is gone, let’s go to Penn State. It’s just a matter of time before we live in Trumpsburgh.


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