If last night’s election results prove anything, it’s that we have to believe the unbelievable. Eyewitness reports from the Chancellor’s and Dean’s offices have confirmed that late last night, upon hear Donald Trump’s victory speech, Chancellor Gallagher removed his human mask to reveal his true lizard person form.
“I have to show solidarity with my lizard brother,” reported the reptilian chancellor, “this is a huge step forward for our people.” Gallagher claims all over the country, powerful lizard people like him and Donald Trump are coming out of the reptile closet and stepping into the spotlight.
Chancellor Gallagher’s revelation – which many suspected was true for years – comes in the wake of a shocking victory in the 2016 Presidential Election by Republican (and lizard person) Donald Trump. Gallagher beamed with pride as major news outlets declared his home state of Pennsylvania for Trump.
“If only I could have convinced all my students to vote for him,” lamented Gallagher about the fact that Allegheny County was overwhelmingly in support of Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton. But now Gallagher is offering free giveaways and prizes to any student who voted third party or stayed home yesterday as a way of saying thanks for helping to elect Trump.
“I want to extend a big thank you to everyone who voted Trump, Johnson, Stein and Harambe,” wrote Gallagher in a letter to students Wednesday morning, “my president is orange, my Lambo is blue!” shouted the demasked, lizard-faced chancellor. Sources later told The Black Sheep that Trump and Gallagher represent different species of lizard person with Trump’s orange scales and Gallagher’s green scales being the deciding factor.
Students were outraged at the revelation that their beloved chancellor was indeed a lizard person. But many more seemed not to care, taking to the streets late last night to protest the anger and disenfranchisement they felt upon hearing the election called for Donald Trump. “Who cares if Gallagher is a lizard person? We just elected one!” cried one student wearing a t-shirt that read “A woman’s place is in the white house.”
“Transfer applications will probably go through the roof,” predicted a member of Gallagher’s staff who wished to remain anonymous, “people are trying to flee the country. So many professors have cancelled their classes this Wednesday. People are reacting very poorly to the news that their president-elect and their university chancellor are both lizard people.” When asked to comment if she were making plans to leave the country, she simply rolled her eyes and continued to pack her suitcase.
The face of American politics changed forever last night – and not in the way many students had hoped. But the face of Chancellor Gallagher was promptly removed at the conclusion of Trump’s victory speech to reveal his true lizard self. Only time will tell how many more prominent figures will de-mask themselves as the lizard president-elect promotes the lizard agenda leading up to his inauguration.
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