Biologists were amazed in recent days by the appearance of a new species on the University of Pittsburgh’s campus that is quickly spreading across the US. This new species of plant surfaced just after the end of winter, and is truly novel. At first, there were a few incidents regarding the safety of this unknown plant and precautionary measures were taken to shield the public from the meadows and fields filled with the emerging villain.
“When we first saw the Thompson family playing around with their dog on it beside the Cathedral of Learning, we were concerned of the harmful side effects,” said senior researcher Ellen Phoresis.
“We quarantined the Thompsons at first, imposing a vigorous wash down procedure and invasive checks for disease,” said Ellen’s partner Maurice. “It was really scary, the Thompsons developed symptoms of high irritability and claimed to already know of this new species.”
The Thompson family was playing in the Poaceae species patch when they were first spotted. They were kicking a soccer ball between the three family members and the dog was chasing it. All of this was occurring atop the potentially dangerous Poaceae species. Nobody wanted to go near them, but the research team was bold. They donned hazmat suits and trudged through the wet and squishy new surface of bendable but blade-like plants to rescue the Thompsons.
“What is the problem here? My family and I were just having a good time outside now that the snow is gone and these bozos come and say we are in horrible danger from a new infectious plant discovered in Pittsburgh. When asked what it was they left us in the dark. Then they carted us off to a BSL level 4 laboratory where we were scrubbed and violated until we barely had any hair left! We’re just so, so scared…” exclaimed Bob Thompson, the brave patriarch of the family. He was obviously shaken by his encounter.
Marcie and Timmy Thompson were also affected by this strong urge Bob had to return to their perilous merriment, and had to be restrained along with their husband and father. The researchers have performed many tests on the family while also making sure nobody comes near the quickly spreading new growth in Pittsburgh. Encounters with the plant induce extreme happiness and the strange craving to lay upon it and spread one’s limbs out. This could cost you your life, as the toxins this new villain secretes are unknown.
Ellen shared some of her observations from the lab in a preliminary interview. “It first appeared when the snow melted, then as it got warmer spread farther and farther into the city and parks. We are still trying to understand its prodigious replicating power. Some species already extant on earth are able to consume this newfound plant and use it for energy, cows being extremely inclined to perform this feat,” Ellen described. She is still very focused on understanding this new species.
“Because of the new appearance of this species and its rapid spread, a name must be given to better raise awareness of this menace slowly uncovered by the melting snow all over the US now. I think I’ll call it ‘grass’. It just sounds right,” concluded Ellen in her lab’s inspired research paper entitled, “Grass: The Springtime Killer.” Ellen is currently a contender for the Nobel Peace Prize in chemistry and medicine.