About once a year each residence hall at Pitt hosts a program called “Sex in the Lounge.” As sexy as that sounds (we’re at half chub), the program is just an awkward hour of RAs passing out condoms and showing you pictures of the gross STDs you can get (for example: pregnant), but yesterday one of these programs took an interesting turn, when a group of furries showed up. Now, before we go any further, furries are, at best, people who enjoy dressing up as an anthropomorphic animals and interacting with other such folk or, at worst, a bunch of freaks in mascot costumes getting together to bang, or yiff as they call it. Fortunately for The Black Sheep, the latter showed up to the program.
Bystanders were shocked. “I can’t even begin to describe the smell,” recalled RA Jenna Patel. “Maybe if you ran a marathon in a wool sweater and then rolled around on the floor of a fish market, you would start to get an idea of how bad it was.” Patel explained that the furries walked in unannounced and started yiffing on one of the couches. “There wasn’t any penetration, it was all dry humping,” Patel remarked, “but the sounds were enough to induce terror.”
One undergrad, Kelly Jones, had some positive remarks about the experience. “As a kid I always used to feel a little funny whenever I got a new stuffed animal. Something about the deep, soulless eyes and bright, synthetic fuzz really stirred up some sexual feelings. I thought I was the only one, but now I know that there are others like me. Where can I get one of those suits?”
We were able to catch up with one of the culprits who prefers to be identified by his fursona (furry persona), Winter Animosus. “I am a wolf/fox hybrid trapped in a man’s body,” explained Animosus. “I didn’t ask this be this way, I only ask that people accept my totally normal and healthy lifestyle and respect my choice to dress up as the animal I identify as. Also, it would be totally cool if I could get my yiff on whenever I want.”
Animosus was kind enough to list a few Pitt celebrities who are also into this lifestyle. “There’s a surprising amount of chem professors who attend our meetings. They know how to get the stains out, which is helpful. Jamie Dixon comes dressed as Roc, which is annoying because that thing is a furry poon magnet. Pro tip: don’t give Roc high-fives, I’ve seen where that paw has been. Chancellor Gallagher comes, but he doesn’t have a fursona and instead just sits in the corner smiling and awkwardly rubbing his thigh. He’ll leave about half way through to ‘go to the bathroom.’ What a furvert.”
Animosus stated that anybody and everybody is invited to these meetings, which are held in the Cathedral Café on Wednesday evenings. “Just bring a fursona and an open mind,” he suggests, “oh and don’t forget a towel, because you’re gonna get sweaty and there will be fluids.” While The Black Sheep typically passes on invitations to orgies, something about this one is really getting our blood pumping. If you see some sheep at the next meeting, you can bet your fur it’s one of us. Nothing like some sweet, sweet yiff!
Sidenote: Pittsburgh actually hosts Anthrocon, the world’s largest furry convention each summer. We wish we were joking.