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Welp: Pitt To Turn Every Other Useful Thing Into ‘Green Space’

The Quad, formerly the site of six usable parking spots and a traffic circle thing, now offers scenic “green space.” Rather than pulling up to Bruce Hall and loading 50 lbs of dorm supplies into a dirty handle-less shopping cart, parents and students were forced to find street parking in Soldiers and Sailors.

Pitt administration calls the inconvenience a “small price to pay” for two untrimmed shrubs and a mess of beige paver stones covering the old parking lot. The project was so successful in fact, that beginning this semester every other thing on campus that is widely considered of use to students will be transformed into more green space.

“Am I supposed to park my car between these two bushes, or like, what?” said senior Katy Mack.

The project will begin with the elimination of all other parking options, including garage and street parking. Wherever there is asphalt, workers will lay dull brown rocks that are neither aesthetically pleasing nor functional.

“Yo, I don’t need any more skinny trees and limp flowers that poke out sporadically, I need to park my car,” said angry sophomore Evan Casks. “If I wanted to meditate on a tiny rock, well… I wouldn’t! I don’t need this!”

Following the elimination of parking, Pitt will then point a green middle finger to all campus computer labs. Printers and iMacs will be recycled, and rooms that formerly offered printing and internet access will instead be covered in moss, grass, flower beds, and stone fountains depicting Chancellor Gallagher visually reimagined as the Greek god Poseidon.

“I was going to go to the computer lab, but any time I go to connect to the wifi network, mulch fall out of my computer and I’m stuck blowing dust out of my nose for like, three days,” Casks continued.

Other campus amenities that will be turned into green space include crosswalks, library tables, laundry facilities, and public restrooms. Areas that are already considered green space will be torn up and rebuilt to be even greener, because if it’s not glowing, then “what’s the point?”

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb. Hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep corporate, Mackenzie Harding & Andrea Jablonski. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire.

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